Soul Dose

Tomorrow it's my birthday, I'm turning 26 but because of my amnesia it feels like I'm turning 21 but it's cool., I'm adjusting to it.

                                           Happy birthday to me

As you know my left side is totally paralyzed now I decided to find out was the paralysis a quick thing or an overtime thing, did we (my family and I) try to stop it and at what point did I loose control over my neck and had to be supported....... As for my speech it barely comes back and barely sound like words but then goes goes for months.

Mom said it was 2004 and I was already sick and walking slow with a cane and a wall sometimes but I was walking. Then one day we watched tv and I felt something moving down my left arm (I've written about this part before). I screamed thinking it was a spider but nope it was blood coming from my elbow like someone had open a little blood tap there. I felt no pain and when we finally got to the doctor he was just as confused because there was no cut or puncher, my elbow had no way of getting out that blood but it was doing it and continued for days.

After that my elbow got sensitive to everything and I had to wear a bandage. I still wear a bandage and from time to time it bleeds again for hours

Before we knew it my hand started folding in and the doctor we saw suggested I hold some little ball while I still can and he did some therapy on it but a few days later my hand was completely clenched and surprisingly, my whole leg was just as stiff and painful.

Then one afternoon I was with my mom, sister and brother when a bizarre but head spinning painful thing happened. I was on my bed standing when I fainted as usual. After they helped me out I looked at my shoulder and it was separate from my arm. The bones were separated by a big big space and if it weren't for the skin I wouldn't have looked.

The doctor said it's caused by my spasms and when I went to the doctor who specializes in this kind of stuff he said the same thing. So now my family has to push my arm back each time it gets loose, they just follow the crying voice.

I decided to write this post because we'll soon start physical therapy on the left side, some parts like the arm are really painful but I wanna get out of this bed or at least I wanna fail trying, so I gotta be a big girl and do thin...!!!

Sometimes in life no matter how positive you are there are days that make you feel so sad and so sick you can't even think straight, sadly those days have visited my home, built a small little tent and are roasting marshmallows and singing"Cumber ya" (Sorry I don't know how to write that but I've always liked the sound of it)............................ I've had a few nights where I silently cried but like everything else every time I wiped my face I knew I had to pull out of it.. So. I made a plan.

I woke up and thought alright since I seem to be getting worse by the day what can I do to gain some control back. My life has been spinning out of control and I hatted seeing myself paddling backwards... (Ha ha ha, I just thought of how the cartoons starts by running in one spot before the shoot out and run so fast I laugh even though I know it's coming)........ As I was thinking of my dilemma my brother came into my room, we had some words because well we're siblings but when he said something about my situation I said "That's it, put on your shoes brother because we're going outside this house"

We went looking for a Physical Therapist and boy did we find one. I've been working with her eversince and I love that Doctor Girl, well that's not her real name. But yes I found the perfect therapist and I'm so excited about it I've told just about anyone who can understand my weird talking and even weirder sign language.

First time I went to her I was upset because  my right arm (which is my only working arm) was also starting to have the same problems my left arm has, I couldn't lift a glass of water, it had shooting pains and sometimes shocking pains, it was barely working and I kept thinking "No no no no no no no, I can't lose both arms, no no how will I continue with my studies and my blogging"....... When I left her room I was thinking "This woman is a magician, look my fingers are already moving" And thanks to her and the stuff she gave me to support a lot of things on my body I can type again. She knows magic I tell you, meaning I have a lot of trust in her and I hope she can help. Our sessions are 3 times a week.

Now I'm trying to solve my eyes problem and once that's done I'll try to solve the hardest problem, my teeth... My teeth are a big problem but when this year started Mr Man said something thhat I choose to believe. He said "This is 2010 babe, all your dreams will be a reality"

My dreams are not too much and I'll write about then sooner than you can say knife... Thanks to the magic doctor.

                                          Bye And Stay Beautiful...!!!

Hello Good People, long time no typing I know but wow I've had some very hard days and I'm still buried head deep in them wondering when I'll be able to get my head out of the mud and inhale some fresh and not to mention refreshing air.............. My daily life has gotten a lot worse and now to put a cherry on top I might be going blind. What is she talking about you wonder? My friends let me tell you about my last few weeks, pardon me if I don't write it all on this post, once my eyes get tired I have to close them and then rest them under my big dark shades, Ha ha ha.

So anyways I was minding my own business in my bed when it happened, I looked down and saw I was covered in blood and not just blood, clots even, it was from my nose. I calmly took my tapper and banged the night stand so gran could come help me out (That's how I call for help since speaking is a thing of the past for me). Gran came and that's the last thing I saw...... I woke up a few hours later with a killer headache and a spinning head, my stomach looked like I was pregnant with triplets and the clicking irritation sound in my ears was maybe 5 times louder, I was not doing good and pissed off about it, especially since it was Christmas time.

After a visit to the doctor I slept, only to get worse with every hour. I fell from my bed more times than I've ever fell before and my shakes are now so constant and so severe they yank me and bang me like a rag doll, I have no energy, even my skin hurts.... And my eyes well my friends my eyes are now beginning to fail all together. They've troubled me for years and the flashy thing developed in November I think but now I can barely see, spectacles do little and mine are broken at the moment, lol.

I can still see a little and I have some good hours like right now, so I grabbed this opportunity to blog and visit other blogs, wow I can't wait.

The bad news is my grandmother who also happens to be the person looking after me is very very sick, her blood pressure is 183, her heartbeat is faint, her face is swollen, her lungs are drowning in water (whatever that means) so she was told to sleep and take it easy or she'll have a heart attack or stroke. She's the rock of this family and when she's sick it shakes us all but I believe she'll recover after enough rest and medication, luckily so does she.

BUT life hasn't been all doom and gloom, there have been some good things... Christmas for my family was good, though for me it wasn't a good day.. On New Year's they had lots of fun screaming and doing firecrackers and braaing meat it was good.

As for Mr Man we are getting even closer, I thought people couldn't get any more closer than we already were but I've been proved wrong... The question of whether or not we're together is one I get more often than how are you doing today and those who never ask the question claim to know we're together and have been since the 90s................ But to answer it honestly I'm not sure where we stand, what I''m sure of is I enjoy every second with him.

That's all for today, I hope to get a chance to blog again tomorrow.

I hope you all entered this year with a bang and I wish you only the best for the rest of it and all the other years after this one, may all your dreams and wishes come true.

                                                     Bye and Stay Beautiful...!!!

Have you ever seen a picture so beautiful and peaceful and flawless and oh what can I say, it's  breathtaking... I'm not an arty person but this, this is too good not to stare at.

This beautiful creation was made by my new friend Scented Summer, she surprised me one morning with a link that led to this beauty over here, needless to say my day was all giggles and smiles from mostly thanks to Scented Summer.

While on another blog I saw a comment Scented Summer had left, fascinated by her avatar I followed her comment link and found myself in one of the best blogs in blogville. I found myself in Scented Summer's blog titled Scented Pixels, you can find a link on the links page or follow one here and let me tell you what will happen if you do.

You will find a blog filled with great stories and there's a lot of love in there I tell you. She paints and draws like I hadn't seen it done before till I found myself in Scented Summer's world. Her art is lifelike and you can feel how passionate she is about it. Look at the above picture, doesn't it look lifelike?

I can't believe someone thought of me in this way and I'm greatly humbled by it........ Do check her blog out but be warned, you will be hooked.

Thank you so so much Scented Summer for your kind and wonderful gift, you really did put a smile on my face and a joyful tear in my eye... This is staying as a screen saver till I don't know when. Thank you, you're a kind spirit.

When I got sick a lot changed and dreams were stolen, some were changed and some were still made available to me but getting them is one of those torments that I face everyday, when you want things but you know those are just wishes, you're dreaming with your eyes open and sadly your heart is just as open.......... Some of my dreams is having a baby.

For as long as I can remember I've known I wanna be a mother someday, I've had dreams of having 3 kids or even 4 kids that were gonna be knock outs. Yeah in my dreams I have the most beautiful bunch you've ever seen and they're hyper like their mother and they're cute and sweet.

Going back to being serious, motherhood is my dream and now I realize that dream might never come true. No, I know that dream will never come true and as much as I believe in accepting things the way they are this is the one thing I'm battling with.

I'm turning 26 next year February 4 and I've been sick since age 20 or 19 depending on how you look at it... When I was younger I told myself I was gonna have my first child when I was 24, so I made sure I didn't risk pregnancy before that. It was easy to avoid pregnancy because I was single most of the time, I was bad at relationships, my relationships were short (Maybe because my heart already belonged to Mr Man, so I compared every guy to him and they didn't match up). The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year but only because I was in boarding school most of the time doing my Matric.

He guy was older than me so when he started talking baby talk without mentioning marriage I thought "Oh no no no, he's not gonna use me as some baby oven and then toss me, hell no" so I ended things. Come to think of it, the only time he ever said I love you was when he was asking me out. Ag enough about that pathetic part of my life.

As I was saying, I spent most of my time as a single girl, age 24 was my goal because I had no way of knowing this was gonna happen,I didn't know by age 24 I was gonna be bed bound and sick like this (if only we can predict the sucky parts of the future)... My motherhood dream is shattering before my eyes, I dream of the pregnancy itself, 9 months of carrying my baby and having that divine connection with him/her, of course the pleasure of making the father run up and down satisfying my every craving, the birthing classes, buying the baby clothes, preparing the room for my bundle of joy, then the delivery and temporarily hating the father for knocking me up, the feedings, ok not the diaper changing, the baby smell, rocking my baby to sleep (I wrote a poem about this)... I wanna have it all, the first word, first step, but wait we'll have the first time he/she sits by herself. What about first day of school,  I want that so badly it hurts just thinking the dream is dead.

Other things are easy to accept, others are easy to tolerate but this, this is the one thing I'm finding hard to get over and when I talk to my sister about it she says so what if you never have kids? I tell her 'those words are easy for you to say because you have one and you can have another anytime you want' I don't think most mothers can understand and everyone I've told this to hasn't expect Mom Ndu and we're in the same boat.

            Does anyone ever feel this way or am I just crazy? Am I crying over a small thing here?

After my quest to find the right template I think I'll stick with this one for now and see how it works... I loved the previous one but it was too slow when I tried to open the site using my phone and since the phone is what I'm usually able to use I had to change it. I don't like that wooden thing though, maybe the search will continue.

I'll be having my first blog award show as soon as I can open a computer again and be able to look at it for longer than 10 minutes without the disturbing eye flashes again. I'll pass the award I received from my amazing blogging friends.

That's me, really it is me in 2002 Zulu Dancing at a coming of age celebration ceremony, my mother's half sister's celebration and I wasn't even used to doing it..... And I don't mean to blow my own horn here but I did it exceptionally and those who have seen it done would back me up.. You don't believe it? Check out one of the people who his an old pro at this.

Ha ha, just remembering the good old days and wanted to brag a little, ha ha.

But more seriously, I remember this day like it was yesterday, the girl in yellow next to me helped me put together this little gear and when she suggested we go bra-less I put my foot down.... Traditionally that's how it's done but I just couldn't. She did though, hats off to her that's what I said.

I remember and miss these days.

It is very strange to hear about your life from journals, windows xp and from people, especially when half the stuff you hear sounds like it's taken from the pages of a TV movie script.. That's what I'm doing, I'm putting together the pieces and sometimes I have to take a break and try to wrap everything around my head because it sounds so unreal and tears my heart apart.. These past two weeks I've been feeling more sick then usual, so I spent them listening to more of my story from different people and I also started reading something I found in my flash drive, some sort of diary I kept from 2006 to early 2007. Today I'm gonna talk about events that took place after my coming of age celebration.

As a black South African there are beliefs we have, I can't really say I have them personally because I'm too big a skeptic but they are general beliefs. There are traditional doctors, there are people called Sangomas who are believed to be able to tell you about your problems and see what we mere mortals can't see, they know more about ancestors and are tight with them so to speak. And there's also a general belief that witchcraft exists. Now I DO NOT believe in witchcraft, I've tried to keep an open mind but no matter how much I try I can't buy into the thing I'm sorry.

By February 2005 my family had tried just about everything to help me out, we had knocked on so many doors and were willing to try everything because we had nothing to lose. And that's when people or rather traditional healers started to come up with different theories. We listened and did what they suggested, except when they gave me their concoctions to drink then I didn't do that. I couldn't swallow anything at that point anyway.

I was taken to a healer who claimed he knew who was bewitching me, he said my father should look at a crystal ball thing and would see the person. Dad looked and looked, then the healer gave my father a knife and said he should stab something so the illness can go back to the person who gave it to me in the first place. My poor father did it and the healer said I was healed... Only he was lying to us and dad said he didn't see anyone on the crystal thing, he said he went along with it because he figured we've got nothing to lose.

So we went home but the illness persisted and kept blowing up. I woke up one day and my feet were covered in huge yellow sores, my feet and halfway up my legs. They felt like they were on fire and if you put your hand close to them you could feel the heat coming from them. I cried and cried and mama would dip them in ice water and keep them there. It wouldn't help. The doctor gave me ointment that did nothing. I was in agony and the only thing to do was to pray it didn't get to a point where I'd have to lose my feet and then pray it went away soon.

Praying became our hourly thing, even the children learned to pray because everyone knew I could die any second. I wasn't eating, my left hand was rotting before our eyes, my feet were also rotting and on top of that my stomach problem had taken a whole new level.

One weekend, it was Saturday I woke up and my room was filled with crying people. Mama held my hand and I looked at her and mimed 'what's going on?' she said I shouldn't talk I should rest and then it hit me, I started shaking violently while pure blood came out of my mouth and everyone around me prayed and cried. My aunt (who suffers from heart problems) fainted and was carried out of my room and mama kept calling my name... That whole day was pure hell and listening to them tell me about it made me cry and pray I never go through it again or remember it.

All my close relatives were in my room that day, some were outside and others were in the kitchen and living room. They were all gathered at home because they believed I was dying that day, they had been called because I was so sick everyone believed I was not gonna last till the next day and even though my nurse aunt (she's the head nurse at her hospital) was there trying to give me medicine through injections and giving me supplements and what have you, she also believed I was a goner and like everyone else she was saying her goodbyes.

My family says I realized what was going on and asked for my brother. He was called in and the minute he sat next to me we both started crying, I asked for my phone and while he held it I wrote 'I'm in too much pain and want to die, it's OK don't cry' at that point he ran out of my room and I passed out.

They couldn't wake me up this time, mama was screaming at everyone to wake me up but they couldn't. My aunt felt around and found I had a faint pulse, she informed mama and then gave me something for the pain. She got me comfortable and they decided to take me back to hospital. I say back because hospitals wouldn't keep me for very long, they'd admit me and try to find out what's wrong, then they'd discharge me because they wouldn't find the problem.

By that evening God himself had smiled down on us, he had heard our prayers because not only was I alive but my pulse was stronger than ever and even though the illness hadn't changed, I was awake and the blood coming out of my mouth was no more.. The relatives started leaving with smiles on their faces and I was well on my way to seeing tomorrow;)

This happened a few months after my coming of age celebration and when I heard this story I thanked God for my amnesia, I'm glad I can't remember things like this and I believe with all my heart that God has his reasons for everything and what we think sucks might just be what we need to be able to live our lives.

I don't think day to day life would be easy if I knew everything and whenever my father looks at me and says "I never thought you'd still be here today" I see the pain in his eyes... And whenever I start the shaking it hurts and it's hell but I do know that one day I'll be running down the beach Pamela Anderson style and this will all the just another story on a blog, this too shall pass!!!

I slept a lot today, I got hurt emotionally and spent hours trying to forget but couldn’t, so I pulled up my covers and slept… I’m not good at crying, yes I know crying sometimes helps in relieving the pain but when I was young and was going through the experience that I went through I told myself no more crying, now I’m older and I do cry but not as much as I’d like to sometimes.

I’m sure you’re wondering what I went through when I was young because I keep referring to it and as much as I wanna talk about it I’m not ready. I’ve made a post once and saved it as a draft but deleted a day later… Something inside me keeps saying “girl you have got to talk about this, see how much talking about the illness has helped, surely talking about this will help as well”. Do I listen to my inner voice (which can be dumb sometimes) or keep blogging and taking it one day at a time? I think I’ll keep writing and taking it one day at a time, writing what my fingers are able to click on that day and letting tomorrow take care of itself…. For now I will tell you about the kleptomaniac in our mist.

Alright, we all know there are different types of people, some good, some bad and some floating in between. I have never been a fan of judging people and I try to keep my mouth shut most times (made a lot easier by the fact that I can’t talk anymore)… So I get hurt when someone purposely hurts me and does something I could never do to them, ever.

Today I was in my room as always minding my business, I was trying to come up with a secret language I could use to communicate with my nephew (This idea came from the wonderful Doraz who has an amazing blog Believe In Yourself, if you’ve never seen it you owe it to yourself to check her out trust me) I hope you're still willing to help D, I need ideas because I'm fresh out. Anyone else who has some easy and fun sign tips please tell me.

So there I was trying to create easy signs you can do with one hand because I can only use my right hand. My mother shouted she was leaving for work and I reach into this box where I keep my money. I wanted to give it to her so she can but a gift for Sbahle’s birthday. I had R630 in there which had been a “buy whatever you need” gift from Mom Ndu’s friend. I opened the box and to my horror I only had R30 left. Then I started thinking back, I remembered that I had last seen my money the previous day around 4pm just before the smoke drama (the house had started filing with smoke and gran could not see the source, she feared there was a fire somewhere). So whoever took my money took it during the fire drama when Gran asked Shivile to move me to his outside room while they tried to find the source of the smoke.

My heart just sank and mom tried to ask everyone who had been around at the time but we knew it was a waste of time and at the end we gave up… Here at Gran’s house money gets stolen a lot but it never stops being irritating.

(My Mr Man wasn’t even here and I couldn’t cry on his strong muscular ripped shoulder, ha ha ha. I’m kidding.) Hey a girl has to be a girl sometimes, lol.

I’m going back to my sleep now but I already feel a lot better than I did this morning, and writing really is great therapy…. Thanks for tolerating my rant.

Cheers and Stay Beautiful.

Hello my friends, I’d like to tell you a little bit more about my family so you can understand some other things I’ve wanted to write about but couldn’t because I knew you were gonna get confused.

This family is my mother’s side and that is where I grew up.

My grandfather (Elliot) married my grandmother (Mayvis) when she was 18 and I don’t know how old he was. It was 1957 according to my calculations. They had two daughters, Nomusa (my mother) in 1960 and Nondumiso in 1962 (my mom Ndu, she’s like a mother as well).

In 1973 or 1972 my Grandfather met and married another woman (Philippine). She became his second wife and when she came into the marriage she already had a daughter by an ex boyfriend, her name was Nompumelelo.

After they got married they had their first daughter Geli in 1974, then a son Msa in 1976, Msa was followed by another son Mdu in 1979 (he’s my favourite uncle and treats us all equally really), after Mdu came another boy Nkosingiphile in 1981 but we call him Shivile, Shivile was followed by a girl in 1983 Nontobeko but we call her Zinto, the last boy Siphesihle came in 1988.

The following year my grandfather passed away after a long illness but I was too young to understand and I still don’t know what illness he had.

In 1994 Msa was gunned down at night at a neighbours house.

Philippine also passed away in 1999 followed by her daughter nompumelelo in 2002.

My mother had three children, Lindelwa in 1981, Silindile in 1984 and Mandisi in 1985, yeah I know Mandisi came too close for comfort and stole my spot. I remind them of this sometimes when I’m up to something., ha ha ha.

Mom Ndu sadly didn’t have children, I believe she can still have one but only the man upstairs controls that.

All the children have had children of their own except me, Mandisi, Siphesihle, Mbali and Thobeka.

This is the full family from my mother’s side. They live in the same yard but two separate houses.

Sorry for the long post but there are things I’d like to write about especially as I tell parts of what happened to me. I’ve only told up to 2005 and would like to start taking it from there till I reach the part where I woke up and  for me to do it clearly I realized I needed to introduce everyone.

Starting tomorrow I’ll try to blog everyday and will continue the story starting from what happened after my coming of age celebration.

(As for my family on my father’s side we don’t know them very well and they haven’t been active in our lives. I haven’t seen any of them since I woke up and it hurts but it’s life, as long as my father is here I‘m happy)

Cheers and stay beautiful, inside and out.

I’ve wanted to write this post for some time but always got sidetracked to had such a bad day the laptop stayed far away, yeah those days are usually filled with a lot of vomiting and so much shaking and getting thrown off the bed  I protect my laptop by keeping it at a distance…. I love it too  much and I’ll tell you my laptop story after this one, after reading it you will agree I’m truly God’s favorite child.

What happens in my day? What do I eat? What do I drink? What medication  do I use? This post is about that, please don’t feel sorry for me after reading it, I’m fine, I’m okay and am making peace with things on a daily basis. It’s not an easy journey but like every card it has too be played and I’m playing it. I have the best support system that keeps growing each day. I write here and gain supportive people who are so kind and amazing… I’m thankful and grateful.

What Happens In My Day?

I cough and cough and shake till I calm down and realize oh wow I’m not on my bed I’m on the floor. Someone helps me back to the bed, they help me raise my pillows and stack them, they put towels at the bottom to support my back and them put little old me. Then I get my ice packs changed, I get my hot pressure bottle changed (I use it to keep a part of my stomach pressed and hot, otherwise you don’t wanna know), I stay in bed, maybe watch TV, maybe open the laptop or whatever comes to mind. Then few minutes later I start gasping for air, I gasp and gasp, then I get this head shock thing, I start shaking and maybe even foaming in the mouth and all this is happening while I’m conscious.

I keep shaking and getting hit square in the face by my out of control knee till maybe I fall off the bed and stop breathing all together, or I stop breathing while still on the bed…. After that I hear and see nothing, I feel nothing till I’m helped with oxygen and resume breathing again. Hat I do know is I start coughing and coughing till I start hearing and feeling pain, I feel this burning sensation in my chest and my head feels like it’s ready to explode. I wake up and they help straighten me back into my bed, when I take a few minutes to fully focus.

I make a few lousy jokes just to show them I’m fine, they go back to whatever they were doing and minutes later, maybe 30 minutes later it hits me again, other times it’s so bad I get blood in my mouth and other times my nose starts bleeding, but other times it isn’t so bad, I only shake and faint. This is a daily struggle and goes on non-stop till the next day and the next day and so on. My family take turns because there’s no way my not being able to sleep will keep everyone from sleeping.

What Do I Eat?/ What Do I Eat?

This is an excellent question, what do I eat? The answer is nothing. I’m sure you don’t buy that and believe me when I first woke up I didn’t buy it either and I’ve spent months trying to eat everything I can get my hands on, trying to drink every supplement but I can’t, I simply can’t……. How did this start? Well when I first got ill and it was getting serious I could eat, then it started the vomiting. I’d eat maybe porridge and wouldn’t be able to swallow it, nothing would go down my throat and at some point even water refused. It became a matter of “One second in the mouth and I’d start gagging like there was no tomorrow”. My family tells me there was a time where I went without anything in my stomach for 80 days or so, nothing at all would even go down and my nurse aunt decided to help me by giving my the hospital drips, or I believe they’re called I V’s in other countries.

She’s put me on  it maybe once a week till one day Mom Ndu tried to give me water like she had done everyday and on that day I was able to swallow. Then we started trying medication, pills, food and soft foods but still nothing, only water would go down in very small quantities and then after over a year II was able to  drink Tropika juice, the mango and peach flavor….. It’s been years and even though I still try daily I’m still not able to swallow anything except water and that juice.

What Medication Do I Take?

First we’ve tried supplements so I can have energy and stuff, we’ve tried vitamins and tried pain killers but I can’t take anything. This is the hardest thing  about  my life, daily being in agony and not being able to take even a pain killer. I can’t swallow these thing or anything else and when something tries to go down my throat I start vomiting and I don’t stop till I vomit blood or pass out… And the process isn’t a walk in the park, it is painful and exhausting, it leaves me feeling tired and in a lot of pain for hours.

My beautiful stranger introduced me to codeine phosphate and though I try to take it I still throw up.. I try to mix things in my juice but throw up, I try to crush pills but again throw up.

I know this might sound untrue but we have really tried it all, we’ve tried our best and it kills me when I hear my mother says something like “I wish I could absorb your illness and be the one suffering so you can have a normal life and go to school and work like people your age” or saying something like “If I were asked to die so you could get your life back I’d do it In an instant”

Things That Have Changed.

I used to be fine with smells, I have no problems but a few years ago I started getting negatively affected by them. An Example: If someone sprayed perfume in the house I start vomiting, if I’m out of the house and smell cigarette smoke I vomit and faint. Hospital smells are hard on me, body lotion smells, and for the big one, I can’t stand the smell of food so much that my family has started cooking in the outside room. If I smell food being cooked I gasp for air and vomit and end up with a nosebleed flat on the floor unable to breath…………… I know this sounds hard to believe but it’s all true…………. Any kind of smell is a no no for me and that makes life very hard on everyone around me. I hate this because it doesn’t only inconvenience me but all those around me and I feel guilty and I feel really bad.

This post was made because this is how I live, this is what my life has become and not writing this post would’ve meant not being entirely honest. I want this journey to be as open and as honest as possible.

Today's post is different, it's not focused on my struggle with illness and journey into healing, well it is a little but today's post is mainly about love. Yes love, the one thing I've always been terrible at. Maybe it's because I've always known what I wanted, maybe it's because I avoided it because of my childhood experience, maybe I hadn't found the 'core shaking' kind of love but whatever the reason I still sucked at it. And now, I'm hopelessly in love and don't know what to do.

Here are  the details of my badly timed fall in this thing called love, how I've found myself smack bam in the middle of this thing I know is doomed to fail if it ever starts.... Alright, let me stop beating about the bush and get to the point before I freak out and delete this post.

The year was 1998, I was 14 years old and doing Grade 9. I had never had a boyfriend, let alone a crush and to be honest boys were still not in my head, but you can see how I looked back then from the picture (That's my sister, myself, gran and my brother)

I remember my sister was in Matric ans exams were around the corner, there was this neighbor guy of ours who happens to be extremely smart, he's a whiz in Maths and just about everything and my sister's Maths skills left a lot to be desired, so she asked the guy to help her during the holidays before she had to go back to boarding school. Being the greatest that he was he came and tutored her............................................... Before that day I can honestly say I had never seen the guy, he was a neighbor but hadn't been hanging out with kids like us.

That day I looked up, saw this guy and butterflies started flying around in my stomach, ladybugs, and every flying thing was in there I tell you. My mouth went all dry and this crush hit me out of nowhere, it developed that day and I knew it was stupid because the guy was about 7 years older than me and would've never been interested in a kid like me. But  I'm  sure everyone who has had a crush know how they work, you see the person and you fantasize and dream you afternoons away, that's what I did and oh, the guy I'm talking  about is so gorgeous, he is simply beautiful and I hope he doesn't kill me but here's a little glimpse at him before I go on.

That's Mr Man, can you really blame a then 14 year old girl for wanting some of that? The man is hot.

Anywhozer, the crush intensified and to avoid it I avoided him, but that didn't last. Soon we became friends and time went on we became best friends...... We both had relationships with other people and had this friendship with each other. Though everyone else who knew us didn't buy the whole "We're Just Friends" thing but truly we were and somewhere between going to school and having my first serious boyfriend my crush disappeared and it was a relief.

Sometimes things got weird between us because we had this sexual tension that wouldn't go away, but were both unsure how to proceed, there were moments of nearly kissing but something would make us stop. And frankly we were just scared, yes embarrassing is it sounds it's true.. We loved each other though, so much that he was my number one and I was his, you know those unspoken things that are shown in subtle gestures..................... My Matric Dance was approaching and it was assumed my boyfriend was gonna be my partner, except I didn't have a boyfriend at the time and didn't wanna share that information.

So my gran (knowing Mr Man and I were the closest people since Romeo And Juliet) asked him to be my partner but she forgot too tell me about it. Mr Man said he'd love to and she forgot to pass on that message as well, I blame her old  age here. As you know I went to an All Girl Boarding School Inanda Seminary and our partners would come from outside, the only time the school allowed boys in.................. The day came, I was dateless and so I went to my sister's Residential Room at Varsity trying to escape but she convinced me to attend my dance. I confessed I had no date and she said go I'll find you a date and send him to meet you in school. Varsity was closing for the holidays and almost everyone had gone home, so my soldier sister went knocking on any room trying to find an available guy to come save me from Dateless Humiliation.

Ha ha ha I remember seeing  the guy at a taxi rank while waiting in line with my friends, and I could have never guessed he was my date. We got to school and had to walk down this long avenue. When we reached the gate this guy walks to me and says in the slowest voice " Surprise Surprise I'm your date".. Needless to say my Mr Man wasn't my date, I didn't even know he had been asked but it created some tension between us for a little while.... Wee both knew he should have been y date, we also knew that we could have  finally gotten together but what was done was done.

The following year I found myself studying in the same University as my friend Mr Man, we got even closer and when I was robbed at gun point carrying his cellphone and the robbers taking my money and his expensive phone  I spent a few weeks running and hiding from him, till one day he found me and said "Walk With Me". I was so scared but we sat on the ground in school and he said "A phone I can replace, but I only have one you", No one had ever said something like that to me, no one.

And then I got sick when I was doing my Second Year, when that happened he was already working at Cape Town and it's very far.

What I'll Write From This Point On Is Taken From Messages Inn My Phone, Writings On My Now Destroyed Diary, My Trusted Family, My Friends, My Computer And Him.

When I got sick he was in Cape Town and when I realized the sickness was serious and not passing I picked up my phone and told him something wasn't right. I already couldn't speak at the time so he called my mother and she told me, he then put airtime in my phone so we could exchange phone messages, we did this for weeks, daily chatting and him saying the perfect things.

On December holidays he came back and came to see me,that was the first time I really cried, he held me and I  cried for over an hour just. Before he arrived I was scared he was gonna change because of how I was, I feared he was gonna judge me like the most people were judging me at the time and are still judging, I feared he was gonna take one look at me, see the fainting and the vomiting and the falling off the bed and everything else and he was gonna make an excuse and leave but instead he sat next to me, picked me up and held me as I cried, he wiped me when I foamed in my mouth, he asked what to do when I fainted and he did it, he brought me an Usher Cd because he knew how obsessed I am with him and we spent hours together. Those whole holidays were spent in my room next to me, talking, making silly jokes, teasing me in our own cool way and was there, always there.

One day my brother moved me to the veranda and mom stayed with me so she could call him when the shaking started. We sat and did that routine for a few hours, then my brother disappeared for a while and little old me shook and the thing they used to tie me to thee chair snapped and I went flying to the floor. My mother managed to help me breathe again but she couldn't lift me back to my chair. I gave her my hand, she placed my phone on it and I called my Mr Man. He was kilometers away in Durban but rushed back to pick me up, he got to me, picked me up, carried me to my room and that day our feelings were revived, but I was too sick and he was too scared of what people would think of him.

It's been over 6 years now and he has been by my side every step of the way, he goes above and beyond to make sure I'm happy and when he's around and not working we have so much fun laughing like crazy people..... This man has never judged me, he has never looked at me differently and he believes I'll pull through this. He treats me like a woman, a queen even and he sees the soul within, he's the only one who can touch it and I'm in love with him but it's not that simple.

He has his fears and concerns, I have my fears and concerns........................... First can a relationship survive with one person off working in Johannesburg and the other sick in bed? He also fears my family will say he's taking advantage of me, the world will judge us. A relationship I'm part of will be challenging, it would not include intimacy and that's not fair on him... But with all those fears the truth still remains, he's my Mr Man and part of me wants to take a chance.

I'd like to say thank you to my blogging friends who have been super kind to me. They've welcomed me into their lives and made me feel so blessed, they make it easy for me to open up and talk about things I wouldn't normally talk about and my messed up life isn't messed up to them, it's just a life.

I received awards this past few weeks, the first awards I ever received in my whole life(I blame my French teacher for cheating me out of my Matric French Award)

My memory is terrible but I'll try to remember and write everyone's name,and I also have to pass on the awards and I will.....If I forgot to thank anybody please please please don't be offended, leave a reminder and I will thank you.

Thia award was presented to me by some great great people who have changed my life for the better and made it a lot of fun.

• Doraz - One of my fellow blogging friends Doraz  honored me with this award on the 24th, Her continued support and kind words are enough to turn a bad day into a fun one. Do visit Doraz and add her to your list, Doraz is someone you wanna have as a friend trust me. She's loving, honest and so much fun. I'm so taken by this blog I visit it a number of times per day.
  

• Tasneem - The next day my very nice friend Tasneem bestowed the honor upon me once again and it humbled me. Tasneem is so full of cheer and a visit from her is always highly appreciated. Tasneem has a fantastic blog where she just wants us o laugh and feel good.

• Alina - The Romanian beauty awarded me with it again on the 26th, that day Alina put a smile on my dile when my day was really not on my side. Her support and kindness make me heart melt all the time and I'm thankful Alina is one of my blogging friends. Alina's blog is one of those places you find all things fun, do prove for yourself.
  

• Bliss Bait - then yesterday I got another unexpected honor from my friend Bliss Bait, a woman who is so loving and so unique and our Bliss Bait is the definition of "A bucket full of life and spilling over with love. Bliss Bait cheers me up and being awarded by her is a great honor. Do pop into Bliss Bait's blog and fall in love with her art.

         Thank you very much to all for such an honor.

This award was presented by another great blogging friend and I'm truly thankful for it.

• Coco - The cutest Coco woofed this award my way, it is a huge honor and a humbling on at that. Receiving this award brought a joyful tear to my eye dear Coco, thank you very much and I enjoy your blog so much. You're the cutest and loving Chi and whenever I enter your place I know I'll enjoy it. Coco's blog offers something refreshing a unique, do check out Coco if you haven't already.

                            Thanks a million Coco for this honor.

I'm tired, I'm so tired and I feel like a thousand bulls were playing tag on my body and running around on it

But I'm just glad my phone allowed me to post today, I wrote the first few words and saved, what do you know it worked. So now I'm back to write what's been going on inside my brain

I hate feeling like this, being too sick to even spend time with people but there's nothing I can do. I have this guy friend and he's the one person outside my family who has been by my side from day one, he's a true angel and my very own hero and if I talked about him I'd have to make his own post because he's one hell of a friend.. Anyways I asked him 'Do you think I'll ever fully recover and his answer was 'Sure Of course yes' or something like that and it made me think.

Here was this person looking at me, seeing the pain I was in yet his belief was unchanged, maybe if you're in my situation you need people like him around you, people who will not see a sick person in front of them but people who'll always see a recovering person.

I've had some very unpleasant couple of days and I'm still in the middle of unpleasantness (That's not a word is it?) But what I love about my people is that they never feel sorry for me or treat me like an invalid, yes they look after me but to them I'm just Silindile or Sli as I'm called. They see how ill I am but because I handle it they also handle it, together we kick this illnesses butt and will keep doing it...... I hope I can remember how I did this post on this phone, maybe I'll post daily if I do.

As for my update here it is: The headache is normalizing back to what it's always like.. The nose bleeds are under control.. My leg spasms haven't been smacking me square in the face for the past two days and it's a relief, I hate being hit by my knee in the middle of my face but now that I write it down it's funny.. I'm able to drink water again after a 2 week difficulty.. I saw a doctor about the flashy thing in my eyes and he'll be giving me new glasses.. I made an EEG appointment but had to cancel when I heard how expensive it is, will make it again after my father gets his December work bonus. I feel guilty taking his bonus I really do.. I've spoken to my doctor about getting more allergy tests and he said he'll try to get in touch with Aurora Hospital, apparently they're the best and I googled them...... That's my update, hopefully I'll be feeling even better tomorrow and might come back to the website and maybe even chat.

Thank you so much for your support and kind words, I read them and my heart smiles because they're so sweet and I feel even more blessed. Thank you all very very much.

Usually I get help writing and posting here, those times are my not so great days kinda like these days, but today my cousin helped me set up and I’m doing the posting.

Truth is these days I’m not doing good, not doing good at all. This damn stupid illness decided to tighten it’s bite and sting a little more than it’s been stinging these last couple of weeks………….. I wanted to write about my typical day, I even got my trusted sidekick (My nephew) to take a few pictures and surprisingly the little man takes fantastic pictures, look  out Annie Leibovitz that’s all I’m gonna say… But that post will have to wait a little till I feel better and can type real posts.

I don’t know how long I’ll be feeling like this but I pray it won’t be too long because it really isn’t cool to feel like this, being too sick to even spend time with my loved ones.

I’m gonna miss you guys, this site has been very helpful to me and I’ve met amazing people. You’ve become not only helpful with your great advise, you’ve also become my friends and that’s very special to me.

I’ll see you when I feel better, this will be over quicker than you can say what? Knife of course.

These days my health has taken a dive and updating the site is not an easy thing, though I find it helpful to get my thoughts and feelings down, the actual simple process of switching on a laptop and typing is very hard at the moment, not to mention my eyes. They have this constant flashy thing going on and I don’t know how to explain it properly so please bear with me as I give it a shot…. My eyes get tired a lot quicker these days, then they start having a disturbing and blinding flash of some sort. It keeps flashing almost like the way a camera does when you’re taking a picture, except it’s in the eyes and making my vision blurred. Fortunately it comes and goes, I have an appointment with the eye dude this Friday.

Alright I got help writing this post, I wanted write down all the tests I’ve had and the doctors I’ve seen and am seeing. I got the info from my records and also from the doctors I’ve been seeing since I got the amnesia. This is the info that was right here in my boudoir, the other records are at the doctors.

I’ve had the following:

• Gastroscopy - because when I first got sick my stomach was the most problematic along with my head, they still are. It was done by a doctor at a private hospital call La Verna in Ladysmith, South Africa. The results came back only showing hunger but nothing out of the ordinary. * Flexible Sigmoidoscopy - it was also done to find out why my abdomen was so painful and I was forever constipated. 

• Lumber Punch - it was done because one General Practitioner suspected meningitis and transferred me to another private hospital in Pietermaritzburg. From what I heard my biggest complaint was how painful the thing is and I hated it… Results again came back clean and eventually they sent me home. 

• CAT Scan - a search for tumors and what not, another failure. 

• MRI Scan - It was done very late because we thought a cat scan was enough but turns out it’s not… It is expensive and the family was already broke because of a lot of my costs but they put money together and I got the test. It was done at St. Annes, a very good private hospital and again the results came back squeaky clean.
  

• HIV Test - I’ve had this test a number of times because each doctor wants to see for himself/herself before treating me…. Results always come back negative.

Alright, I should mention that I reached a point where I was tired of tests and needles and scans and drips, I wanted non anymore and for a long time I stayed at home and only went to a GP when I really needed to. But a lot of factors, family, will to live, seeing I was still alive, desire to watch my nephew grow up, and my beautiful stranger came into my life and I realized hey I wanna beat this thing, I wasn't done living yet.

I started going to specialists again and my first one was:

• Neurologist - well we first made a mistake and went to a neurosurgeon, he couldn’t help us so we booked an appointment and went to a neurologist. They thought I had some form of nervous system disorder. My seizures were the biggest problem, also the dizziness, vomiting, the eating problem, the involuntary jerking of my body especially my leg and just about everything........................................ The neurologist did a complete neurological evaluation and follow up, after all the testing the doctor said he couldn’t put me on any medication because the tests revealed nothing. So we hightailed our behinds out of there.
  

Then I developed heart pains and a few months ago I went to see a

• Cardiologist in St. Annes, I remember this visit because it happened in June. We got there and did all the necessary tests, he asked had I been seen by a neurologist because all my symptoms tell me that’ who I need to see and we said yes. But you know me and curiosity, I wanted to see the dude again to satisfy that “What If” at the back of my mind. The cardiologist finished his exam and immediately called the neurologist, within 30 minutes I had these sticky things all over my body and the nurse was shocking me and that part of my body would move, it was uncomfortable but also great fun, hahaha, ...........Seriously, as soon as I got used to it I started liking that tingle. Alright I know I’m a weirdo……………………. !!!

When everything was done and we finally got the results, I really believed he was gonna say well Silindile, you has such and such in your body but again he couldn't find the cause of all my problems.

To manage my day-to-day life I go to a General Practitioner when my pains get too much or when I develop feet sores of I have flu or my arm starts doing what it does best. I have a specific GP in every place I live in, II have one I see when with my grandma, another when I'm at my parent's house and another when I'm at Mom Ndu's place.

From the records I saw that I have been tested for poisoning, I tested for lead poisoning but I'm trying to get another test just to see for myself... Another test I'd like to repeat is the MRI but at the moment we can't afford it... The last one is the gastric one because my stomach is really behaving badly, the swelling and deflating, the one day up the next day down and painless is worrying me.

For now I have to switch off the computer and get some rest, I can barely see what I'm writing and I'm really sorry if what I've written makes no sense and is riddled with spelling mistakes.

My prayer these days "Lord please, let the doctors find something wrong with me, it doesn't matter what it is, how small or how big, reveal it because then I can get a chance to be cured"

The prince has spoken,

his word is law,

for he is the wisest,

cutest prince in all the land.

I was with my nephew and gave him the honor of naming my gift from Doraz.

He thought about it in a princely wise way, and asked is this baby my little sister?

I had to laugh at that line but thought it was too cute.

Then he said, loud and clear "Pearl"

So there you have it, who am I to go against a prince's word?

Meet Pearl Ntuli

I’ve wanted to write a new post since yesterday, I tried to write a new post 4 times since yesterday but my health these days not only made it hard, my eyes made it worse. So what’s going on?  

It’s no big deal, I have been feeling weaker and weaker, then of course I started swelling up. I hate it when that happens because I know it means I have a hard time and it just started. My face is looking a little funny really, all swollen and ugly but my stomach is even funnier. Whenever my nephew sees it like this he walks in and pats it while the words “you’re having a baby too mom” roll out of his mouth. I laugh and sometimes I nod my head just to humour him and boy does he get excited. That kid is a big ball of sweet.

Yesterday I saw a doctor, not one of the doctors I usually see but a new one this time. I figured  adding one more cannot do any harm. I took all my records and when we got to his rooms we couldn’t get in, they are upstairs and you have to climb long stairs to reach him. There’s no lift, so we sat and tried to map out our plan but the only thing that seemed logical was to turn and go see another doctor……. As we were getting ready to leave the person who was with me decided to go talk to the doctor, and within 5 minutes the doctor and his nurse came to see me in  the car. I wasn’t sold on the idea but the pains in my body were screaming “at least get an injection and go to bed.”

When the doctor started flipping though my records and doing a lot of nodding. I closed my eyes and prayed he finds a test we haven’t taken or notices something out of the ordinary, I prayed for him to pick up something other doctors missed and when he made notes I thought yes he found something, but I was wrong.

He suggested I get lifted into his rooms while my wheelchair followed, it was hard on the person who did the lifting but I‘m thankful…… The examination was the  usual and even though I was and am still swollen, even though my stomach looks dark and big, even though my head is pounding and my eyes can barely see, his results came back as clean as all my results always come back and I put my hand on my eyes  and hid my tears once again……………………….. I’m asking and was asking for an answer, a miracle, a little red flag to follow up on but again was given clean results. Maybe this will sound silly but I’d prefer to know I have this and this, at this point I’d take whatever I can get.

Then something totally new happened, I’ll post about it tomorrow because I’m  not doing so good right now.

Stay Beautiful………..Cheers

   (That's me on 05 February 2005)

One black South African tradition is called "Umhlonyana/Umemulo", that is they make a ceremony for a girl saying you're a woman now, you're free to get knocked up... I'm joking about the knocked up part, just trying to lighten the mood after my boring post yesterday.

During the ceremony, the young woman is showered with gifts in the form of money notes, which are attached with safety pins to something she wears on her head called "inkehli", it's  hat of some sort with decorations and I don't know the English word for it... The whole thing is really nice and to prepare for the the local girls together with the girl in question sing and go around the neighborhood dancing for neighbors and asking for coins in return, it's all part of the fun and of tradition. If they come knocking on your door you go out and watch them Zulu Dance for you, then you contribute and the sing as they walk to the next house. They do this every evening for the whole week till the ceremony day.

Mine was a lot different though, I was getting worse and was about to turn 21 years old, my family wanted to do it for me because it was time but also because they wanted to make me feel alive and part of something outside my bedroom. I was hesitant because I knew a lot of local people were gonna come and a lot of other people, I hadn't been seen by lots and I was too self conscious. But they convinced me and well who can say no to a party.

So we spent Friday night at my grandmother's house (my dad's mother) and went back to my other grandmother's house for the party, the one I live with. We got there very early in the morning on Saturday the 5th February 2005 and as tradition I had to go bath in  the river with the other girls that were gonna be Zulu Dancing with me......... I couldn't do this but my family thought it was important and decided to drive me and dip me, leaving the other girls behind (I hated this part of the ceremony but I was about to have my memulo and that was too nice because I had written it out of the things I was gonna have, along with children, marriage, degree, job, you know the usual, ha ha ha.

We went back home and I got dressed in my slight traditional wear and that's my grandmother getting me ready to go to the yard where the dancing and celebrations were to happen. The man next to me is my grandfather's brother and my favorite guy. He sadly passed away in 2006 and I'm still not over it because I only heard it fresh in April and he was very special to me and apparently we got even closer after I got sick.

Then I went out to start the celebrations..........................

And another one......................................

They put money on my head (my favorite part)

I did have some unpleasant fainting moments and couldn't keep my head steady after wards, like above.

When the dance ended I changed and wore my party clothes, we went into the tent and  I had all my friends with me, take a look.

I'm the one in the light blue top and the one holding me on my right is one of my oldest friends, the one holding the left we were during our last year of high school.

After that we went to my bedroom because I was tired and laughed for hours, some spent the night and others left very late..... Judging from the pictures it was a great day and I thank everyone who made it possible, God bless you all.