Soul Dose

Her name is mystery, her eyes are dark,
Her coat is long, her destiny unknown,
Her sorrow runs deep, her fears hidden,
This girl is a hero, yet no one can tell.

Her arms are inviting, her lips are sealed,
Her chest is warm, her legs are strong,
Her journey long, her path not clear,
This girl is a woman, slowly finding herself.

Who knows her struggle, no one sees her tears.
Who notices when her clouds turn the shade of grey?
Who picks up the pieces of her heart?
Who paves her way and clears the dirt?
No one can, no one sees her struggle because
This woman is strong; she can keep it all in.

Now her name is joy, her name is strength,
Now her skirt is shorter, her eyes shine bright,
Now her sorrow is gone, her future looks bright,
This girl is a hero, she’s done it again.

I'll be posting my poetry on this page from now on, the poetry page loads every poem I've ever posted and doesn't hide the much older poems... So for now I'll transfer them to here and delete the poetry page all together.

In other news, I've finally decided to publish a book, it's a work in progress and nowhere near finished.. For some time I wasn't sure I should do it, I still don't think I have what it takes but I'll never know till I try my best............ While the book is about my life from the age of 3 it involves other people and that is another reason I've had my doubts. Do I change the names, why protect some undeserving, questions like that but my mind is made up, I'M GOING TO FINISH MY BOOK AND TRY TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

Everyday life happens, and for me everyday is a triple miracle... I've learned so much these past few months and am still learning about life, God, family, friends, love and mostly about myself. But today I'm talking about my mother, Mrs Nomusa Doreen Ntuli, the most amazing woman I know.

That's mom when she was little, she's still the most beautiful woman I know.

As you know now my mother got sick in 1980, she was in a coma for 3 months and woke up in need of one walking stick.... She soon gave birth to my sister Lindelwa and then me, she ended with my brother. The pregnancies weren't easy and as we grew up my mother really started getting sick. When I was around 13 she could barely walk with her cane and within months she was in a wheelchair.... She never complained ever, but we knew she wasn't just paralyzed, mom was sick and in a lot of pain. But my mother had a dream, she wanted to study and work one day, she enrolled at Unisa.

We used to tease mom because she did her degree at Unisa, she started the joke and it lasted throughout her degree studying. We used to say "Mom Unisa is for cowards, people who sneak up on education but full time studying is looking education straight in the eye and going for it". We'd laugh about it and go post her assignments when we were done laughing... Mom, Dad and my brother Mandi are the serial "laughers" in the family, tears stream and those capable even roll down on the floor.

It wasn't until I started studying at Unisa that I started to really appreciate the amount of work it takes to study at home and go for your exam at the chosen exam center. Sure the first year is so easy getting 100%  was a must and I did, all my first levels were passed with 100% and my family tells me I'd maybe study for two days out of the whole what 4 months and still pass. To me that meant one this: the illness hadn't damaged my head.

Doing second year is not so easy, in other words studying at Unisa is not a stroll in the park and third year oh boy Accounting makes you feel like you're studying Mandarin or something.....

So mom, I've said this so many times but you're my hero, you gave birth to three children, you raised us together with Gran and Mom Ndu, everyday you cooked, you cleaned, you washed, you ironed, you made sure we grew up as normal as possible and even though we saw you were sick and  still are, even though we saw your walking sticks and later your wheelchair you never complained, you sang the weirdest songs when you did your housework especially the dishes... And at night you'd take your books and study, you'd do your assignments and you finally got your degree, now I know your health has been even more poor but you have a job now, something you dreamed about for years and years, I'm so proud of you.

At her graduation, now she's doing her

honors, I'm so proud... That watch was

a graduation gift from me.

I consider myself blessed to have a mother so strong, a few weeks ago when my family thought I was dying because it was really bad my mother shouted and said to God "Please, please take the illness from my daughter and give it to me, let me suffer in her place, let me be on the ground bleeding like she is. please I want a normal life for her". I was on the floor at the time groaning but I heard her and started crying. God didn't do that and I thank him because mom has her own aches and pains but the thought, the thought hit me and I just started crying.... That's the woman my mother is, she had her children the hard way, she was already sick and so she's protective, she can't fall asleep when my sister gets off work at 11pm, she has to see her and my brother (he picks her up) enter the house and then sleep.

She went straight back to work

after a 6 month hospital stay, a real trouper.

If I hadn't grown up with this amazing woman my life would be different, her strength gives me strength and yes, she's SUPERWOMAN........ THANK YOU MOM

I’ve seen I have a life ahead of me,
Years of happiness and laughter.
I’ve felt the greatest touch,
The magical everlasting touch
And since that hour,
Even my heart is smiling.

I saw God in my dreams,
He showed himself in a form only
he knew I could relate to,
My dear deceased grandfather.
But no, that was him sent by God.
He was an instrument, which delivered the
right message without uttering a word.

After a dream like that one wonders.
Why do I ever get the sad down days?
Everyday, every hour, every minute.
God is right beside me, right here beside me
Protecting me during every shake
Covering my every fall and gentle.
Yes gentle telling me to hold on.

I have a new page that I'm fond of , the Friends Say... page, please check it out.

So today I woke up with my nephew next to me and I love that little guy so much I smiled with happiness, till 5 minutes later I started vomiting blood, pure blood with some water and my stomach soon join in the circus and gave me some problems. I knew then my appointment with the eye doctor was down the drain so I did what anyone would've done.

I got cleaned up, drank some water and listened to my nephew talk nonstop while pretending the pain was gone. He talked about the songs he knows, counting them and he found out he knows 26 songs and I found out I love him so much I listened to that for nearly two hours with a smile on my face, a hand on my stomach and an little nod here and there.

Right now I'm in bed waiting for Mom Ndu, she'll give me a bath and then I can try to sleep but since I have a bad case of insomnia I'll sleep for less than two hours.

The key to keeping my nephew quiet during those hours is to put all HOME ALONE movies in my laptop, make him sit down and watch, the downside is when he laughs the neighbors hear.

As for me I'm in a lot of pain, still wishing I could go seek help in America or Europe, I'm vomiting blood every now and then today, my shaking is extreme, I'm bruised all over because there isn't a wall I haven't gotten thrown at, I have a migraine and a swollen stomach.

That's all for now.

I'm smiling and believing, let's smile together and one day the whole world will smile and  believe, it starts with you.

                        Cheers And Stay Beautiful

(Oh I'm on a campaign to get Purplehatter to create something specific for me but I can't comment on his blog.)

Hello my friends

So here's the thing, I started souldose for one reason, okay maybe two. The first and most important was that I'm going through something strange, something that is cruel and has basically taken over my whole body, going through this thing made me wanna speak out and say to the world "whatever you're going through keep believing". My illness is making life hard for me but as I look at the people around me I realize it's even harder for them. So here I am, taking back my blog and in doing so showing my family and the world that I will never ever give up and I may have horrible days like these but from now on I'll control what happens on those days, I won't let them scare the people around me and I will keep the faith.

I won't lie, every hour is a struggle but then I start thinking this struggle is God's challenge, he's challenging my faith and he's giving me a task to go out there and tell the world to believe, tell the world that no matter how hard life is, giving up should be kicked out of each and every human being's vocabulary. The phrase "it's too hard" must not exist and everyone who is still breathing should be thankful and celebrate each breath.

I know there are no guarantees in life but I can guarantee that this will not rule my soul, yes it has forced me to stay in bed, yes I can't even say one word, yes I shake and shake uncontrollably 3 or 4 times every hours and yes I'm plagued with migraines more each day. This unknown and unexplainable illness has forced me into this life but it'll never take over my heart and will never ever take over my soul. My heart belongs to me, my family, my friends and Mr Man but my soul, my soul belongs to me and the man upstairs.

                                   Cheers And Stay Beautiful

Souldose needs your help and your prayers, lots of prayers. To find out more please click HERE.

                Thank You

Morning Everyone, due to Silindile Ntuli's illness taking a severe turn overnight Souldose will be put on hold for a while. She's a strong girl I'm sure she'll bounce back. In the meantime we might run a few personal messages she was asking her friends and family to write for the site but without her it won't be a bubbly and inspirational place only she made it to be. Get well soon Slindy, you're loved.

When I started this website I never thought it will help free me so much, I never thought I'd meet such incredible people and I never ever thought someone would give me an award, no not me... So when I received the first I was shocked and very happy but still shocked, and I keep receiving them the level of happiness keeps going up. Receiving an award is so humbling, I feel connected to the people who read my blog and it's time I'm honored to get an award, it's a huge honor and I'm so grateful to everyone who care enough to pop into Soul Dose and read what silly me has written, it makes me so much stronger to know that someone out there took the time to find out what's in my heart.

Thanks to the people who gave me the award I'm talking about today and thanks to everyone who spare a few minutes to visit my site.

First let me honor the first award I received - The Best Blog Award, I got it from my blogging friends:

- Doraz who has a fantastic and hilarious blog titles Believe In Yourself,this woman has the kindest heart and is so caring and loving. She makes each person on earth feel special and always finds a way to make people laugh.

- Alina whose blog is filled with eye popping pictures over at World Is In My Eyes,Yesterday I even asked her whee does she find this art because it takes my breath away, yeah sometimes it's creepy but usually it's gorgeous.

- Tasneem who wants the world to laugh at her blog Laugh Hard . Another woman who has jokes that make me laugh till my stomach hurts

- Blissbait, is a painter extraordinaire and a haiku pro with a blog called Bliss Bait. She has a fun relaxed places filled with beauty she creates and her spirit is beautiful.

- Jaymie a poet who writes poems that grab you and make you think over at Jaymie Thorne's Personal Musings,she is a poet I'm honored to call my blogging friend, a pro at what she does and she's also a kindhearted woman who loves people and life.

This is the award I'm talking about

The Thing is it came with a simple instruction, whoever got it had to pass it on to 15 bloggers and simple as it sounds it ain't............ The 5 people who gave me this award are more than deserving of getting it back but I feel like new people should get it, it's an award to be shared far and wide.

So here are my 15 recipients in no particular order:

1. The Soaring Implse

2. Scented Pixels

3. To The Max

4. Baglett

5. melsdream

6. Wherever He Leads We'll Follow

7. Shiteki Na Usagi

8. life with a severely disabled child

9. Adventures Of Home Schooling Noah

10. My Life with Gabriel

11. KNOW YOUR "IT'S"

12. Into The Quiet

13. Ramblings of a Skinny Little Sister

14. Love Being A Chihuahua

15. Trippin' With Rip!

 The official rules are you have to pass it on to 15 people but here at Soul Dose you can do anything you want with it but please come claim it and copy it if you've never received it before, passing it on is all up to you.

I'll pass the next award next week, starting tomorrow I'll be talking about my illness, the illness that won't quit. It keeps piling up and coming with new surprises and not good surprises... So from tomorrow it's doom and gloom, ha ha ha.

                                       Cheers And Stay Beautiful

I'm such a bad person, I never pass on the awards I get and I've never followed the rules, it's just my blogging is so unstable, sometimes I go for weeks without blogging but luckily I made a list of all the awards and dates I got them, for my next blogging opportunity I promise to start doing my awards, following the rules and passing them to my nominees.

But one thing is true, every award I get is very special and I get so happy, humbled and feel honored, thank you to everyone and please expect proper thank yous starting next time I blog and I thank one post at a time, hope I can still find the rules.

Thank you everyone for putting up with this rule breaker and for reading my blog.

                                            Bye And Stay Beautiful

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, nothing freaky or too out there but yes I really wanna get one but I don't know where to place it... I've thought about my neck but I don't want unnecessary extra pain, I've thought about below my belly button but my stomach is way too cute, I've thought about my arm but nah, so where can I put this baby?

I remember Jennifer Aniston's tattoo on FRIENDS and yeah that spot was good, but so is my wrist and that way I wouldn't have to but a watch............... My back? nah. Oh my leg, but no.

Okay I'm officially tattoo mad..... I have to make a decision, making a decision,, thinking, thinking, still thinking, alright done.

I'll tattoo the words 18 March 2004 - 27 April 2009 on my wrist.

I'm choosing this writing because 18 March is the day I bled, fell and got sick.... 27 April is the day I woke up remembering nothing that happened after falling.... So for me this is really important and I don;t like tattoos but this time I'm being a hypocrite.

Alright this is ridiculous, I'm a person, a human being and yes I'm sick but I'm still a person. I had a terrible experience at the dentist that left me with tears and I'm not even big on crying.

My brother and gran took me to a dentist I had never gone to before because I needed to extract the tooth right at the back. I had tried to live with it for over a month but the pain had gotten so bad it was affecting my temper... Maybe you don't know but I woke up with a teeth problem that will require R87 000 to fix or $11 000 roughly. I have a page about it but it's not online yet. I'll talk about this some other time, right now I'm talking about my dentist experience.

So my brother strapped me to my chair and I went in with gran, we gave them my history, told them my tests reveal I'm not allergic to anything, they got my medical aid, heard about my shaking and fainting. In other words they knew everything they needed to know, they also knew doctors can't diagnose my problem.

They started checking my teeth and one nurse had too much perfume, as someone who throws up even when she smells food I started throwing up. That stint passed but was soon followed by the shaking and I passed out. Gran helped me breathe again but as my eyes looked around I noticed the looks on everyone's faces, they were looking at me like I was a freak, an alien, something that had crawled out of the john that morning because they no longer wanted to touch me. As I looked at them I suddenly felt out of place and they saw on my papers that it was fine to extract, they knew the shaking had passed and wasn't gonna hit for some time but they chased me out of there.

My brother was upset and asked is she getting treated like this because of her condition, a condition she can't help? I was already crying and wanted to get in the car. We were in the reception area and all I could think of were the disgusted looks on the nurses and it made me feel like I was worth nothing.

That happened on a Tuesday, so I waited till Saturday for Mom Ndu to take me to the dentist she had taken me to in 2008 and the only reason I hadn't gone to her in the first place was because of my amnesia... When we got there she took out the tooth and she was so nice to me, she looked at me in a normal way and she's got such a good soul. She gave me her number and when I got home I sent a Thank You message and her reply was so sweet.

I'm fine with myself and I'm okay with my condition. Yes it's not what I'd chose for myself and it's not easy but I'm seriously okay with it... Still it hurts when I'm out in public and get looks like those, it hurts and I hope one day the world will look at an ill person (I don't like the word disabled) and see the soul within. Because I'm not my illness, no one is.

When I first woke up with my amnesia and started hearing stories about what used to happen when I got really really sick I thought no there's no way those things can happen to a person over 3 times every hour, that person would either be dead by now, or my brain would be mush or my family is exaggerating... But within an hour I started going through them again but thought nah it's a passing thing.

But these past few months are knocking me down like there's no tomorrow and the thing is I'm getting worse but there's nothing I can do about it. It's like I'm watching a meteor heading straight for my house but tired to the spot where it'll hit. Every month gets worse than the last and the shaking has gotten so violent and so frequent it leaves my whole body in excruciating pain, only to hit me just when the pain is starting to go down.

It's been tough to see myself going through the very thing my amnesia made me forget and my biggest worry is the shocking sensation right at the top of my head that just won't quit, yeah it comes with migraines but I'm used to them, the shocks are my main concern.

When this thing started getting out of hand I got kinda depressed and about a month ago I lashed out at Mr Man, it was stupid and I'm sorry honey, I know I've said it and it's in the past but saying it again is the right thing... I was really at a bad place and had a bad day but still I shouldn't have taken out my frustrations on you... I love you.

So I've realized that this illness is blowing up, I'm hardly able to blog but because I love it so much I came out with a plan that will keep me in blog-ville, you'll see in a few days my friends.

I've been asking God for an answer to my problem, asking him to heal me but I've realized there's a reason why this happened to me, God hears my prayers and if he didn't I'd be long gone by now, I know he hears me and he has a plan for me. I don't understand it at the moment but tonight instead of asking for the same thing I ask for every time I'm gonna tell him I'm ready for whatever he has planned for me, I'm ready to keep the faith and to stay positive still.

For a few days I was sad, really sad and wondering when will this be over, but now I'm okay and I'm just waking up each morning on the floor, laughing about it as soon as I'm breathing and living my day in this rollercoaster but it's mine and God has a plan behind all this...... And that, my friends, keep me waking up each day no matter how hard it is, burying my head in the covers works for one day in many months but it's not who I am or who I want this journey to turn me into, so I wake up, say a prayer, look at my goal list and let the day begin.

                              Bye For Now And Stay Beautiful...!!!

Tomorrow it's my birthday, I'm turning 26 but because of my amnesia it feels like I'm turning 21 but it's cool., I'm adjusting to it.

                                           Happy birthday to me

As you know my left side is totally paralyzed now I decided to find out was the paralysis a quick thing or an overtime thing, did we (my family and I) try to stop it and at what point did I loose control over my neck and had to be supported....... As for my speech it barely comes back and barely sound like words but then goes goes for months.

Mom said it was 2004 and I was already sick and walking slow with a cane and a wall sometimes but I was walking. Then one day we watched tv and I felt something moving down my left arm (I've written about this part before). I screamed thinking it was a spider but nope it was blood coming from my elbow like someone had open a little blood tap there. I felt no pain and when we finally got to the doctor he was just as confused because there was no cut or puncher, my elbow had no way of getting out that blood but it was doing it and continued for days.

After that my elbow got sensitive to everything and I had to wear a bandage. I still wear a bandage and from time to time it bleeds again for hours

Before we knew it my hand started folding in and the doctor we saw suggested I hold some little ball while I still can and he did some therapy on it but a few days later my hand was completely clenched and surprisingly, my whole leg was just as stiff and painful.

Then one afternoon I was with my mom, sister and brother when a bizarre but head spinning painful thing happened. I was on my bed standing when I fainted as usual. After they helped me out I looked at my shoulder and it was separate from my arm. The bones were separated by a big big space and if it weren't for the skin I wouldn't have looked.

The doctor said it's caused by my spasms and when I went to the doctor who specializes in this kind of stuff he said the same thing. So now my family has to push my arm back each time it gets loose, they just follow the crying voice.

I decided to write this post because we'll soon start physical therapy on the left side, some parts like the arm are really painful but I wanna get out of this bed or at least I wanna fail trying, so I gotta be a big girl and do thin...!!!

Sometimes in life no matter how positive you are there are days that make you feel so sad and so sick you can't even think straight, sadly those days have visited my home, built a small little tent and are roasting marshmallows and singing"Cumber ya" (Sorry I don't know how to write that but I've always liked the sound of it)............................ I've had a few nights where I silently cried but like everything else every time I wiped my face I knew I had to pull out of it.. So. I made a plan.

I woke up and thought alright since I seem to be getting worse by the day what can I do to gain some control back. My life has been spinning out of control and I hatted seeing myself paddling backwards... (Ha ha ha, I just thought of how the cartoons starts by running in one spot before the shoot out and run so fast I laugh even though I know it's coming)........ As I was thinking of my dilemma my brother came into my room, we had some words because well we're siblings but when he said something about my situation I said "That's it, put on your shoes brother because we're going outside this house"

We went looking for a Physical Therapist and boy did we find one. I've been working with her eversince and I love that Doctor Girl, well that's not her real name. But yes I found the perfect therapist and I'm so excited about it I've told just about anyone who can understand my weird talking and even weirder sign language.

First time I went to her I was upset because  my right arm (which is my only working arm) was also starting to have the same problems my left arm has, I couldn't lift a glass of water, it had shooting pains and sometimes shocking pains, it was barely working and I kept thinking "No no no no no no no, I can't lose both arms, no no how will I continue with my studies and my blogging"....... When I left her room I was thinking "This woman is a magician, look my fingers are already moving" And thanks to her and the stuff she gave me to support a lot of things on my body I can type again. She knows magic I tell you, meaning I have a lot of trust in her and I hope she can help. Our sessions are 3 times a week.

Now I'm trying to solve my eyes problem and once that's done I'll try to solve the hardest problem, my teeth... My teeth are a big problem but when this year started Mr Man said something thhat I choose to believe. He said "This is 2010 babe, all your dreams will be a reality"

My dreams are not too much and I'll write about then sooner than you can say knife... Thanks to the magic doctor.

                                          Bye And Stay Beautiful...!!!

Hello Good People, long time no typing I know but wow I've had some very hard days and I'm still buried head deep in them wondering when I'll be able to get my head out of the mud and inhale some fresh and not to mention refreshing air.............. My daily life has gotten a lot worse and now to put a cherry on top I might be going blind. What is she talking about you wonder? My friends let me tell you about my last few weeks, pardon me if I don't write it all on this post, once my eyes get tired I have to close them and then rest them under my big dark shades, Ha ha ha.

So anyways I was minding my own business in my bed when it happened, I looked down and saw I was covered in blood and not just blood, clots even, it was from my nose. I calmly took my tapper and banged the night stand so gran could come help me out (That's how I call for help since speaking is a thing of the past for me). Gran came and that's the last thing I saw...... I woke up a few hours later with a killer headache and a spinning head, my stomach looked like I was pregnant with triplets and the clicking irritation sound in my ears was maybe 5 times louder, I was not doing good and pissed off about it, especially since it was Christmas time.

After a visit to the doctor I slept, only to get worse with every hour. I fell from my bed more times than I've ever fell before and my shakes are now so constant and so severe they yank me and bang me like a rag doll, I have no energy, even my skin hurts.... And my eyes well my friends my eyes are now beginning to fail all together. They've troubled me for years and the flashy thing developed in November I think but now I can barely see, spectacles do little and mine are broken at the moment, lol.

I can still see a little and I have some good hours like right now, so I grabbed this opportunity to blog and visit other blogs, wow I can't wait.

The bad news is my grandmother who also happens to be the person looking after me is very very sick, her blood pressure is 183, her heartbeat is faint, her face is swollen, her lungs are drowning in water (whatever that means) so she was told to sleep and take it easy or she'll have a heart attack or stroke. She's the rock of this family and when she's sick it shakes us all but I believe she'll recover after enough rest and medication, luckily so does she.

BUT life hasn't been all doom and gloom, there have been some good things... Christmas for my family was good, though for me it wasn't a good day.. On New Year's they had lots of fun screaming and doing firecrackers and braaing meat it was good.

As for Mr Man we are getting even closer, I thought people couldn't get any more closer than we already were but I've been proved wrong... The question of whether or not we're together is one I get more often than how are you doing today and those who never ask the question claim to know we're together and have been since the 90s................ But to answer it honestly I'm not sure where we stand, what I''m sure of is I enjoy every second with him.

That's all for today, I hope to get a chance to blog again tomorrow.

I hope you all entered this year with a bang and I wish you only the best for the rest of it and all the other years after this one, may all your dreams and wishes come true.

                                                     Bye and Stay Beautiful...!!!

Have you ever seen a picture so beautiful and peaceful and flawless and oh what can I say, it's  breathtaking... I'm not an arty person but this, this is too good not to stare at.

This beautiful creation was made by my new friend Scented Summer, she surprised me one morning with a link that led to this beauty over here, needless to say my day was all giggles and smiles from mostly thanks to Scented Summer.

While on another blog I saw a comment Scented Summer had left, fascinated by her avatar I followed her comment link and found myself in one of the best blogs in blogville. I found myself in Scented Summer's blog titled Scented Pixels, you can find a link on the links page or follow one here and let me tell you what will happen if you do.

You will find a blog filled with great stories and there's a lot of love in there I tell you. She paints and draws like I hadn't seen it done before till I found myself in Scented Summer's world. Her art is lifelike and you can feel how passionate she is about it. Look at the above picture, doesn't it look lifelike?

I can't believe someone thought of me in this way and I'm greatly humbled by it........ Do check her blog out but be warned, you will be hooked.

Thank you so so much Scented Summer for your kind and wonderful gift, you really did put a smile on my face and a joyful tear in my eye... This is staying as a screen saver till I don't know when. Thank you, you're a kind spirit.

When I got sick a lot changed and dreams were stolen, some were changed and some were still made available to me but getting them is one of those torments that I face everyday, when you want things but you know those are just wishes, you're dreaming with your eyes open and sadly your heart is just as open.......... Some of my dreams is having a baby.

For as long as I can remember I've known I wanna be a mother someday, I've had dreams of having 3 kids or even 4 kids that were gonna be knock outs. Yeah in my dreams I have the most beautiful bunch you've ever seen and they're hyper like their mother and they're cute and sweet.

Going back to being serious, motherhood is my dream and now I realize that dream might never come true. No, I know that dream will never come true and as much as I believe in accepting things the way they are this is the one thing I'm battling with.

I'm turning 26 next year February 4 and I've been sick since age 20 or 19 depending on how you look at it... When I was younger I told myself I was gonna have my first child when I was 24, so I made sure I didn't risk pregnancy before that. It was easy to avoid pregnancy because I was single most of the time, I was bad at relationships, my relationships were short (Maybe because my heart already belonged to Mr Man, so I compared every guy to him and they didn't match up). The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year but only because I was in boarding school most of the time doing my Matric.

He guy was older than me so when he started talking baby talk without mentioning marriage I thought "Oh no no no, he's not gonna use me as some baby oven and then toss me, hell no" so I ended things. Come to think of it, the only time he ever said I love you was when he was asking me out. Ag enough about that pathetic part of my life.

As I was saying, I spent most of my time as a single girl, age 24 was my goal because I had no way of knowing this was gonna happen,I didn't know by age 24 I was gonna be bed bound and sick like this (if only we can predict the sucky parts of the future)... My motherhood dream is shattering before my eyes, I dream of the pregnancy itself, 9 months of carrying my baby and having that divine connection with him/her, of course the pleasure of making the father run up and down satisfying my every craving, the birthing classes, buying the baby clothes, preparing the room for my bundle of joy, then the delivery and temporarily hating the father for knocking me up, the feedings, ok not the diaper changing, the baby smell, rocking my baby to sleep (I wrote a poem about this)... I wanna have it all, the first word, first step, but wait we'll have the first time he/she sits by herself. What about first day of school,  I want that so badly it hurts just thinking the dream is dead.

Other things are easy to accept, others are easy to tolerate but this, this is the one thing I'm finding hard to get over and when I talk to my sister about it she says so what if you never have kids? I tell her 'those words are easy for you to say because you have one and you can have another anytime you want' I don't think most mothers can understand and everyone I've told this to hasn't expect Mom Ndu and we're in the same boat.

            Does anyone ever feel this way or am I just crazy? Am I crying over a small thing here?

After my quest to find the right template I think I'll stick with this one for now and see how it works... I loved the previous one but it was too slow when I tried to open the site using my phone and since the phone is what I'm usually able to use I had to change it. I don't like that wooden thing though, maybe the search will continue.

I'll be having my first blog award show as soon as I can open a computer again and be able to look at it for longer than 10 minutes without the disturbing eye flashes again. I'll pass the award I received from my amazing blogging friends.