Soul Dose

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, nothing freaky or too out there but yes I really wanna get one but I don't know where to place it... I've thought about my neck but I don't want unnecessary extra pain, I've thought about below my belly button but my stomach is way too cute, I've thought about my arm but nah, so where can I put this baby?

I remember Jennifer Aniston's tattoo on FRIENDS and yeah that spot was good, but so is my wrist and that way I wouldn't have to but a watch............... My back? nah. Oh my leg, but no.

Okay I'm officially tattoo mad..... I have to make a decision, making a decision,, thinking, thinking, still thinking, alright done.

I'll tattoo the words 18 March 2004 - 27 April 2009 on my wrist.

I'm choosing this writing because 18 March is the day I bled, fell and got sick.... 27 April is the day I woke up remembering nothing that happened after falling.... So for me this is really important and I don;t like tattoos but this time I'm being a hypocrite.

Tomorrow I'm starting my exams and to be honest I'm far from prepared. This will sound like a low excuse but  seriously I have a migraine that has been my constant companion for months it makes it hard to study.... Told you it'll sound like an excuse.

So what's a girl to do you ask? Simple really, I'm gonna keep this book opened, keep these eyes focused and ignore the pounding in my head. Weak plan but I have to do this because I see the dream so clearly in my head.

My first paper is Accounting, not a very exciting thing to study I must say, it's kinda boring but when I look down and see my work balanced out it feels good. All those accounting people would know. I'll write it tomorrow from 8-10am and I'll pass this one.

On Friday I'm writing Commercial Law and boy I love it, maybe I just love reading the case studies, maybe it's the people breaking the law that excites little old me (I'm joking) but I enjoy this one.  It's my second last Law paper for the degree I'm doing, the last one will be in June next year.

Then on the 2nd I'm writing Maths, or rather Quantitative Modelling, sounds good huh. It's a fancy way to call it.

After that I'm gonna get a break which I'll use to study Business Management for my November 30th paper.

So after careful thinking and some studying I'm confident I'll pass 3, as for maths I'll try my best but it's not my strong point.

(This is my current activity and current challenge)

It's 02:37am and I can't sleep, since I first woke up with my amnesia and all this I seem to have developed something else that's quiet annoying: Insomnia. I'm telling you I don't sleep and I hate it.

                             A girl needs her beauty sleep.

But insomnia gives me a chance to think and yesterday I was thinking about blessing. Yeah I made the mistake of mentioning them to someone and the response I got was rather hurtful.

The conversation went like this..... But in Zulu

Me:                                  You know I was thinking about how blessed I am.

Other Person:               What kind of blessings could you possibly be talking about?

Me:                                   Look at me, I have a loving family, they've cared for me all these years without complaining, they haven't taken me to a place where nurses could do the taking care of  and left me there. I'm clean and though I'm not 100% content I'm also not totally miserable.

Other Person:               OK. what else?

Me:                                  I'm alive, I've been hearing about how many times I've come close to dying, half the time I can't even breathe but look  I'm still alive. My brain  still works fine even though this constant oxygen supply is not good for it. And the best part is I'm registered at school and will write my exams this month come hell or high water.

Other Person:              But don't say you're blessed, at least say you're  still alive and leave it there.

Me:                                 Because?

Other Person:              Look I'm not saying this the wrong or rude way I'm only trying to tell you what I think. you spend all your days in bed, you can't even change positions without assistance, you can't turn your head... I wouldn't call those blessings. You should be angry, I sometimes get angry thinking of how much you've missed out of when I see people your age walking around.

The conversation went on but what stood out for me was hearing I "should be" angry, my thoughts are angry at what and what will it solve? I coulld scream and shout and spend my life angry but it won't do me any good... I'll still wake up and experince the same aches and pains, I'd still run around from doctor to doctor with no luck, this would still be my reality and living in anger is not a good idea.

Truth is I truly am blessed. Each time I'm in pain, each time I can't breathe, each time my feet develop sores, whenever I get my massive headaches and blood starts running out my nose....... Whenever a lot more stuff happens God  protects me, he has protected me for years and if that's not a blessing I don't know what is.

The fact that I can open a book when I'm feeling better and study a few pages is a blessing, because my CA dream is still alive. Being able to study towards it is a blessing bonus and yes I might not write all 4 papers but I plan on writing 2 or more...... I'll show y'all my results when they come out in December and the beauty is I'll write in the comfort of my own home. Unisa will send  an invigilator  to watch while I write and then take my paper back to the University (to avoid cheating and all.

To conclude I wanna say yeah my life is not what I dreamed it will be, but I'm making  the best of my situation because it is my reality...... Do I like this life? Of course not, I want more for myself but till then I will live, I will study, I will believe and I will keep counting my blessings.