Soul Dose

That's me, really it is me in 2002 Zulu Dancing at a coming of age celebration ceremony, my mother's half sister's celebration and I wasn't even used to doing it..... And I don't mean to blow my own horn here but I did it exceptionally and those who have seen it done would back me up.. You don't believe it? Check out one of the people who his an old pro at this.

Ha ha, just remembering the good old days and wanted to brag a little, ha ha.

But more seriously, I remember this day like it was yesterday, the girl in yellow next to me helped me put together this little gear and when she suggested we go bra-less I put my foot down.... Traditionally that's how it's done but I just couldn't. She did though, hats off to her that's what I said.

I remember and miss these days.

Whenever I see mom's old pictures I remember how easier life was when she could stand up and balance on her cane... She got sick in 1980/81 I'm not too sure, but only went full paralyzed in 1998... She got married to my dad in 1995 and they refused to make my brother their ring bearer and me their flower girl, they said we were too hyper.

That's me on my Matric Dance, kinda like the American Prom.

I've spent these last few days in the past, I've been thinking about my life before that damn day that changed it all, thinking about what was............... What could have been......................... And what is.

If I'm honest, soul cleansing honest I have to say I was not living the life I would've been proud of when it was all said and done. I was alive, I was walking around but truth be told I  haven't felt alive till this year. I had my life and it looked perfect but I was a walking corpse who smiled the broadest to cover her pain in misery. I didn't show people the real me, covered in what I thought was coolness but now I see I was living a lie and daily getting more attached to my lie.

You see as a child I lost faith in humankind really, something tragic happened to me and kept on happening till I lost myself............. I'm not ready to talk about this part of  my life but I 'm trying to give you a picture of why some following events happened........ I won't make it an excuse though.

So there I was, a confused, sad lonely and scared girl, surrounded by girls in this All Girl boarding school called Inanda Seminary (In my opinion the best school you can take your girl child to, they not only teach the books stuff but they guide future women and make them strong independent ladies with style, respect and a grace) Ha ha ha I just blew my own horn back there, it's always nice to stroke my own ego every now and then.

Because of some things I'm not ready to get into I started covering up my pain by focusing on my hyper-activeness, wow I am so hyper (like Hammy on Over The Hedge), I figured if I laughed more and smiled more no one would see I wasn't a very happy girl, and soon the smiling got so easy and felt natural, hell I was happy........... But at night in my bed asleep, well that was another story, my dreams haunted me and pinned me to my sheets.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I shut down and disconnected from myself, I disconnected from the soul within and started living day to day just to keep the ball rolling. I felt no passion, no  fire, I was just breathing air in and out because my body was doing it.

This next line might shock you or make you roll your eyes while the words" oh please" roll out your tongue but believe me I mean them........................ I'm very sick yes, I'm stuck in bed sure, half the time I can't breathe yup, I'm battling time definitely but I've never felt so alive in my life. I have so much life in me and fire and love and the smile on my face is always heartfelt. I'm finally free to be myself, I'm finally rid of the nightmares and I'm finally living my truth.

Being sick sucks big time, but it has taught me the value of living and I'm gonna live to the max. I've learned that the past is the past, what matters is now and right now I'm happy, I'm alive and I'm smiling from the inside out, smile with me...........!!!!!

Remember to live as if the world is about to end.......................

I started this website so I can talk about how I got here, in I went from one day being a university Bcompt student to waking up in bed unable to move 6yrs later. As you know there's a lot I myself don't know, a lot I can't remember because of the amnesia and this isn't just about writing about how I got here, it's also about finding out along the way from people around me. I'm currently trying to persuade my father to buy me a scanner so I can write the words and post pictures that go with them. My family has been taking pictures since this started but unfortunately almost all of them are printouts and will have to be scanned into the computer........ I'm posting this entry by phone and something tells me it won't look the way I'm writing it, girlfriend here might end up with a post that has no paragraphs, I apologize. Remember we were talking about my coming of age celebration, I'll post the pictures later but I'd like to share what happened with you a little. I'm not feeling so good right now but I promise tomorrow I'll write all about it and from now on I'll write everyday and I'll write more about my illness because I've found out a lot more... I ask too much no wonder they say it's like I swallowed a radio and a tv.

For  years I've had a problem with my speech, to be honest my voice has a problem with me, meaning it deserts me when I have no beef with it.. I think I had a nice voice, it wasn't too high or too low BUT I was a very fast talker.  I'd just go "papa di pap pap" and my mom would say I talk like I swallowed the tv and the radio all at once... So you see I was talented, ha ha ha.

But then when I got sick my speech got affected as well. It started slowly and I had this belief that it was a passing thing. I'd think no no no not my speech, take whatever but not that... But you see I wasn't in charge, I wasn't in control, all I could do  was hold on to the belief that one day I was gonna wake up and this would all be over. Months went by and my tongue got tighter, I 'd struggle to move from one word to the next and would struggle to start and finish a word. It seemed to get worse when I had the headaches. As an accounting student let me explain it this way:

I'd get the horrible headache, speech would diminish.

Next time I get that type of headache, speech will diminish once more.

And so on and so on.

It couldn't climb up a level it kept going down.

Till one day I couldn't speak at all, I could only write and that was my only way to communicate, which sucked because talking is my thing, was my thing.

So over the years my speech has come and gone come and gone, but even when it's back I can't sound like my old self, I can barely finish one word and a sentence well you get the picture...... For people unfortunate enough to be talking to me it's frustrating because they struggle to understand. There I am thinking damn I'm nailing this but the next person is busy trying to figure out what I just said.

That was my little speech story. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk like before, maybe I'll be able to hold word conversation but till then, my phone texter is my best friend and I'm good with that..................... Hey who knows, maybe not being able saves me from saying the wrong things and keeps me innocent