Hello dear friends, my my its been so long since I made a blog post, saying I missed it would be an understatement.

Blogging opened my eyes to the beauty and love our world still possesses, it shows me how good hearts are out there, it lifted it higher in so many ways... Writing liberated me, it was a truly liberating experience, it freed my soul, I can't tell you enough how good it felt to speak my heart in a fearless platform.................. I met amazing, selfless, great people through this website, people who helped me in so many ways I'll make a post just to thank you sometime this week, your comments, emails and more meant a lot, again they too lift me higher........ As I resume blogging I hope you'll once again join me in this fight and walk with me as we seek answers. This fight is not over, this heart still believes in victory, this is MY JOURNEY INTO RECOVERY... I'll be back with my first official post, for now I wanted to say hello. Remember my friends, you're beauty so STAY BEAUTIFUL.

I do not know my stand; I do not know who I am.

I cannot tell of my being, I am trying to find my feet.

I cannot separate my truth from the worlds,

My feet are not firmly planted on this earth.

I am just a 26 year young woman,

I am trying to find my true self.

My dark skin is not who I am,

My hair is not gonna be my crowning glory,

Not for one more day.

My smile is not gonna define me,

I need to find the true soul within.

My clothes are not gonna give me value,

My eyes are not gonna tell them what I want,

My stride is not gonna be interpreted as something else,

It is just the way I put my foot in front of the other.

I will scream out when the mood allows,

I will hide out when company gets too much.

I will wear black when they all wear white,

I will sing and dance to my heart’s rhythm.

I am only a 26 year old woman,

And my soul I will find and embrace.

I do not know my future; I cannot predict tomorrow,

I do not know the sorrow that awaits me,

Tomorrow might be harder than today.

This woman of 26 is not gonna hide in the shadows,

I am gonna face my tomorrow with new found hope.

I may not know the future; time might take me far or near.

I will stand up and be counted; finding myself in the process.

My tomorrow might bring me joy,

And light up my life for the world to see,

But today I am preparing for anything,

Making myself strong for whatever may come my way.

I am just a woman of 26; the world is mine for the taking.

Prepared; that is what I am.

Determined; it is all I can feel deep inside.

Finding myself, I will do it step by step,

Day by day, the soul within will emerge,

Because I am a woman of 26,

I am looking for the true person inside.

I'll be posting my poetry on this page from now on, the poetry page loads every poem I've ever posted and doesn't hide the much older poems... So for now I'll transfer them to here and delete the poetry page all together.

In other news, I've finally decided to publish a book, it's a work in progress and nowhere near finished.. For some time I wasn't sure I should do it, I still don't think I have what it takes but I'll never know till I try my best............ While the book is about my life from the age of 3 it involves other people and that is another reason I've had my doubts. Do I change the names, why protect some undeserving, questions like that but my mind is made up, I'M GOING TO FINISH MY BOOK AND TRY TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

I have a new page that I'm fond of , the Friends Say... page, please check it out.

So today I woke up with my nephew next to me and I love that little guy so much I smiled with happiness, till 5 minutes later I started vomiting blood, pure blood with some water and my stomach soon join in the circus and gave me some problems. I knew then my appointment with the eye doctor was down the drain so I did what anyone would've done.

I got cleaned up, drank some water and listened to my nephew talk nonstop while pretending the pain was gone. He talked about the songs he knows, counting them and he found out he knows 26 songs and I found out I love him so much I listened to that for nearly two hours with a smile on my face, a hand on my stomach and an little nod here and there.

Right now I'm in bed waiting for Mom Ndu, she'll give me a bath and then I can try to sleep but since I have a bad case of insomnia I'll sleep for less than two hours.

The key to keeping my nephew quiet during those hours is to put all HOME ALONE movies in my laptop, make him sit down and watch, the downside is when he laughs the neighbors hear.

As for me I'm in a lot of pain, still wishing I could go seek help in America or Europe, I'm vomiting blood every now and then today, my shaking is extreme, I'm bruised all over because there isn't a wall I haven't gotten thrown at, I have a migraine and a swollen stomach.

That's all for now.

I'm smiling and believing, let's smile together and one day the whole world will smile and  believe, it starts with you.

                        Cheers And Stay Beautiful

(Oh I'm on a campaign to get Purplehatter to create something specific for me but I can't comment on his blog.)

Hello my friends

So here's the thing, I started souldose for one reason, okay maybe two. The first and most important was that I'm going through something strange, something that is cruel and has basically taken over my whole body, going through this thing made me wanna speak out and say to the world "whatever you're going through keep believing". My illness is making life hard for me but as I look at the people around me I realize it's even harder for them. So here I am, taking back my blog and in doing so showing my family and the world that I will never ever give up and I may have horrible days like these but from now on I'll control what happens on those days, I won't let them scare the people around me and I will keep the faith.

I won't lie, every hour is a struggle but then I start thinking this struggle is God's challenge, he's challenging my faith and he's giving me a task to go out there and tell the world to believe, tell the world that no matter how hard life is, giving up should be kicked out of each and every human being's vocabulary. The phrase "it's too hard" must not exist and everyone who is still breathing should be thankful and celebrate each breath.

I know there are no guarantees in life but I can guarantee that this will not rule my soul, yes it has forced me to stay in bed, yes I can't even say one word, yes I shake and shake uncontrollably 3 or 4 times every hours and yes I'm plagued with migraines more each day. This unknown and unexplainable illness has forced me into this life but it'll never take over my heart and will never ever take over my soul. My heart belongs to me, my family, my friends and Mr Man but my soul, my soul belongs to me and the man upstairs.

                                   Cheers And Stay Beautiful

When I started this website I never thought it will help free me so much, I never thought I'd meet such incredible people and I never ever thought someone would give me an award, no not me... So when I received the first I was shocked and very happy but still shocked, and I keep receiving them the level of happiness keeps going up. Receiving an award is so humbling, I feel connected to the people who read my blog and it's time I'm honored to get an award, it's a huge honor and I'm so grateful to everyone who care enough to pop into Soul Dose and read what silly me has written, it makes me so much stronger to know that someone out there took the time to find out what's in my heart.

Thanks to the people who gave me the award I'm talking about today and thanks to everyone who spare a few minutes to visit my site.

First let me honor the first award I received - The Best Blog Award, I got it from my blogging friends:

- Doraz who has a fantastic and hilarious blog titles Believe In Yourself,this woman has the kindest heart and is so caring and loving. She makes each person on earth feel special and always finds a way to make people laugh.

- Alina whose blog is filled with eye popping pictures over at World Is In My Eyes,Yesterday I even asked her whee does she find this art because it takes my breath away, yeah sometimes it's creepy but usually it's gorgeous.

- Tasneem who wants the world to laugh at her blog Laugh Hard . Another woman who has jokes that make me laugh till my stomach hurts

- Blissbait, is a painter extraordinaire and a haiku pro with a blog called Bliss Bait. She has a fun relaxed places filled with beauty she creates and her spirit is beautiful.

- Jaymie a poet who writes poems that grab you and make you think over at Jaymie Thorne's Personal Musings,she is a poet I'm honored to call my blogging friend, a pro at what she does and she's also a kindhearted woman who loves people and life.

This is the award I'm talking about

The Thing is it came with a simple instruction, whoever got it had to pass it on to 15 bloggers and simple as it sounds it ain't............ The 5 people who gave me this award are more than deserving of getting it back but I feel like new people should get it, it's an award to be shared far and wide.

So here are my 15 recipients in no particular order:

1. The Soaring Implse

2. Scented Pixels

3. To The Max

4. Baglett

5. melsdream

6. Wherever He Leads We'll Follow

7. Shiteki Na Usagi

8. life with a severely disabled child

9. Adventures Of Home Schooling Noah

10. My Life with Gabriel

11. KNOW YOUR "IT'S"

12. Into The Quiet

13. Ramblings of a Skinny Little Sister

14. Love Being A Chihuahua

15. Trippin' With Rip!

 The official rules are you have to pass it on to 15 people but here at Soul Dose you can do anything you want with it but please come claim it and copy it if you've never received it before, passing it on is all up to you.

I'll pass the next award next week, starting tomorrow I'll be talking about my illness, the illness that won't quit. It keeps piling up and coming with new surprises and not good surprises... So from tomorrow it's doom and gloom, ha ha ha.

                                       Cheers And Stay Beautiful

I'm such a bad person, I never pass on the awards I get and I've never followed the rules, it's just my blogging is so unstable, sometimes I go for weeks without blogging but luckily I made a list of all the awards and dates I got them, for my next blogging opportunity I promise to start doing my awards, following the rules and passing them to my nominees.

But one thing is true, every award I get is very special and I get so happy, humbled and feel honored, thank you to everyone and please expect proper thank yous starting next time I blog and I thank one post at a time, hope I can still find the rules.

Thank you everyone for putting up with this rule breaker and for reading my blog.

                                            Bye And Stay Beautiful

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, nothing freaky or too out there but yes I really wanna get one but I don't know where to place it... I've thought about my neck but I don't want unnecessary extra pain, I've thought about below my belly button but my stomach is way too cute, I've thought about my arm but nah, so where can I put this baby?

I remember Jennifer Aniston's tattoo on FRIENDS and yeah that spot was good, but so is my wrist and that way I wouldn't have to but a watch............... My back? nah. Oh my leg, but no.

Okay I'm officially tattoo mad..... I have to make a decision, making a decision,, thinking, thinking, still thinking, alright done.

I'll tattoo the words 18 March 2004 - 27 April 2009 on my wrist.

I'm choosing this writing because 18 March is the day I bled, fell and got sick.... 27 April is the day I woke up remembering nothing that happened after falling.... So for me this is really important and I don;t like tattoos but this time I'm being a hypocrite.

When I got sick a lot changed and dreams were stolen, some were changed and some were still made available to me but getting them is one of those torments that I face everyday, when you want things but you know those are just wishes, you're dreaming with your eyes open and sadly your heart is just as open.......... Some of my dreams is having a baby.

For as long as I can remember I've known I wanna be a mother someday, I've had dreams of having 3 kids or even 4 kids that were gonna be knock outs. Yeah in my dreams I have the most beautiful bunch you've ever seen and they're hyper like their mother and they're cute and sweet.

Going back to being serious, motherhood is my dream and now I realize that dream might never come true. No, I know that dream will never come true and as much as I believe in accepting things the way they are this is the one thing I'm battling with.

I'm turning 26 next year February 4 and I've been sick since age 20 or 19 depending on how you look at it... When I was younger I told myself I was gonna have my first child when I was 24, so I made sure I didn't risk pregnancy before that. It was easy to avoid pregnancy because I was single most of the time, I was bad at relationships, my relationships were short (Maybe because my heart already belonged to Mr Man, so I compared every guy to him and they didn't match up). The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year but only because I was in boarding school most of the time doing my Matric.

He guy was older than me so when he started talking baby talk without mentioning marriage I thought "Oh no no no, he's not gonna use me as some baby oven and then toss me, hell no" so I ended things. Come to think of it, the only time he ever said I love you was when he was asking me out. Ag enough about that pathetic part of my life.

As I was saying, I spent most of my time as a single girl, age 24 was my goal because I had no way of knowing this was gonna happen,I didn't know by age 24 I was gonna be bed bound and sick like this (if only we can predict the sucky parts of the future)... My motherhood dream is shattering before my eyes, I dream of the pregnancy itself, 9 months of carrying my baby and having that divine connection with him/her, of course the pleasure of making the father run up and down satisfying my every craving, the birthing classes, buying the baby clothes, preparing the room for my bundle of joy, then the delivery and temporarily hating the father for knocking me up, the feedings, ok not the diaper changing, the baby smell, rocking my baby to sleep (I wrote a poem about this)... I wanna have it all, the first word, first step, but wait we'll have the first time he/she sits by herself. What about first day of school,  I want that so badly it hurts just thinking the dream is dead.

Other things are easy to accept, others are easy to tolerate but this, this is the one thing I'm finding hard to get over and when I talk to my sister about it she says so what if you never have kids? I tell her 'those words are easy for you to say because you have one and you can have another anytime you want' I don't think most mothers can understand and everyone I've told this to hasn't expect Mom Ndu and we're in the same boat.

            Does anyone ever feel this way or am I just crazy? Am I crying over a small thing here?

That's me, really it is me in 2002 Zulu Dancing at a coming of age celebration ceremony, my mother's half sister's celebration and I wasn't even used to doing it..... And I don't mean to blow my own horn here but I did it exceptionally and those who have seen it done would back me up.. You don't believe it? Check out one of the people who his an old pro at this.

Ha ha, just remembering the good old days and wanted to brag a little, ha ha.

But more seriously, I remember this day like it was yesterday, the girl in yellow next to me helped me put together this little gear and when she suggested we go bra-less I put my foot down.... Traditionally that's how it's done but I just couldn't. She did though, hats off to her that's what I said.

I remember and miss these days.

I’ve wanted to write this post for some time but always got sidetracked to had such a bad day the laptop stayed far away, yeah those days are usually filled with a lot of vomiting and so much shaking and getting thrown off the bed  I protect my laptop by keeping it at a distance…. I love it too  much and I’ll tell you my laptop story after this one, after reading it you will agree I’m truly God’s favorite child.

What happens in my day? What do I eat? What do I drink? What medication  do I use? This post is about that, please don’t feel sorry for me after reading it, I’m fine, I’m okay and am making peace with things on a daily basis. It’s not an easy journey but like every card it has too be played and I’m playing it. I have the best support system that keeps growing each day. I write here and gain supportive people who are so kind and amazing… I’m thankful and grateful.

What Happens In My Day?

I cough and cough and shake till I calm down and realize oh wow I’m not on my bed I’m on the floor. Someone helps me back to the bed, they help me raise my pillows and stack them, they put towels at the bottom to support my back and them put little old me. Then I get my ice packs changed, I get my hot pressure bottle changed (I use it to keep a part of my stomach pressed and hot, otherwise you don’t wanna know), I stay in bed, maybe watch TV, maybe open the laptop or whatever comes to mind. Then few minutes later I start gasping for air, I gasp and gasp, then I get this head shock thing, I start shaking and maybe even foaming in the mouth and all this is happening while I’m conscious.

I keep shaking and getting hit square in the face by my out of control knee till maybe I fall off the bed and stop breathing all together, or I stop breathing while still on the bed…. After that I hear and see nothing, I feel nothing till I’m helped with oxygen and resume breathing again. Hat I do know is I start coughing and coughing till I start hearing and feeling pain, I feel this burning sensation in my chest and my head feels like it’s ready to explode. I wake up and they help straighten me back into my bed, when I take a few minutes to fully focus.

I make a few lousy jokes just to show them I’m fine, they go back to whatever they were doing and minutes later, maybe 30 minutes later it hits me again, other times it’s so bad I get blood in my mouth and other times my nose starts bleeding, but other times it isn’t so bad, I only shake and faint. This is a daily struggle and goes on non-stop till the next day and the next day and so on. My family take turns because there’s no way my not being able to sleep will keep everyone from sleeping.

What Do I Eat?/ What Do I Eat?

This is an excellent question, what do I eat? The answer is nothing. I’m sure you don’t buy that and believe me when I first woke up I didn’t buy it either and I’ve spent months trying to eat everything I can get my hands on, trying to drink every supplement but I can’t, I simply can’t……. How did this start? Well when I first got ill and it was getting serious I could eat, then it started the vomiting. I’d eat maybe porridge and wouldn’t be able to swallow it, nothing would go down my throat and at some point even water refused. It became a matter of “One second in the mouth and I’d start gagging like there was no tomorrow”. My family tells me there was a time where I went without anything in my stomach for 80 days or so, nothing at all would even go down and my nurse aunt decided to help me by giving my the hospital drips, or I believe they’re called I V’s in other countries.

She’s put me on  it maybe once a week till one day Mom Ndu tried to give me water like she had done everyday and on that day I was able to swallow. Then we started trying medication, pills, food and soft foods but still nothing, only water would go down in very small quantities and then after over a year II was able to  drink Tropika juice, the mango and peach flavor….. It’s been years and even though I still try daily I’m still not able to swallow anything except water and that juice.

What Medication Do I Take?

First we’ve tried supplements so I can have energy and stuff, we’ve tried vitamins and tried pain killers but I can’t take anything. This is the hardest thing  about  my life, daily being in agony and not being able to take even a pain killer. I can’t swallow these thing or anything else and when something tries to go down my throat I start vomiting and I don’t stop till I vomit blood or pass out… And the process isn’t a walk in the park, it is painful and exhausting, it leaves me feeling tired and in a lot of pain for hours.

My beautiful stranger introduced me to codeine phosphate and though I try to take it I still throw up.. I try to mix things in my juice but throw up, I try to crush pills but again throw up.

I know this might sound untrue but we have really tried it all, we’ve tried our best and it kills me when I hear my mother says something like “I wish I could absorb your illness and be the one suffering so you can have a normal life and go to school and work like people your age” or saying something like “If I were asked to die so you could get your life back I’d do it In an instant”

Things That Have Changed.

I used to be fine with smells, I have no problems but a few years ago I started getting negatively affected by them. An Example: If someone sprayed perfume in the house I start vomiting, if I’m out of the house and smell cigarette smoke I vomit and faint. Hospital smells are hard on me, body lotion smells, and for the big one, I can’t stand the smell of food so much that my family has started cooking in the outside room. If I smell food being cooked I gasp for air and vomit and end up with a nosebleed flat on the floor unable to breath…………… I know this sounds hard to believe but it’s all true…………. Any kind of smell is a no no for me and that makes life very hard on everyone around me. I hate this because it doesn’t only inconvenience me but all those around me and I feel guilty and I feel really bad.

This post was made because this is how I live, this is what my life has become and not writing this post would’ve meant not being entirely honest. I want this journey to be as open and as honest as possible.

I'd like to say thank you to my blogging friends who have been super kind to me. They've welcomed me into their lives and made me feel so blessed, they make it easy for me to open up and talk about things I wouldn't normally talk about and my messed up life isn't messed up to them, it's just a life.

I received awards this past few weeks, the first awards I ever received in my whole life(I blame my French teacher for cheating me out of my Matric French Award)

My memory is terrible but I'll try to remember and write everyone's name,and I also have to pass on the awards and I will.....If I forgot to thank anybody please please please don't be offended, leave a reminder and I will thank you.

Thia award was presented to me by some great great people who have changed my life for the better and made it a lot of fun.

• Doraz - One of my fellow blogging friends Doraz  honored me with this award on the 24th, Her continued support and kind words are enough to turn a bad day into a fun one. Do visit Doraz and add her to your list, Doraz is someone you wanna have as a friend trust me. She's loving, honest and so much fun. I'm so taken by this blog I visit it a number of times per day.
  

• Tasneem - The next day my very nice friend Tasneem bestowed the honor upon me once again and it humbled me. Tasneem is so full of cheer and a visit from her is always highly appreciated. Tasneem has a fantastic blog where she just wants us o laugh and feel good.

• Alina - The Romanian beauty awarded me with it again on the 26th, that day Alina put a smile on my dile when my day was really not on my side. Her support and kindness make me heart melt all the time and I'm thankful Alina is one of my blogging friends. Alina's blog is one of those places you find all things fun, do prove for yourself.
  

• Bliss Bait - then yesterday I got another unexpected honor from my friend Bliss Bait, a woman who is so loving and so unique and our Bliss Bait is the definition of "A bucket full of life and spilling over with love. Bliss Bait cheers me up and being awarded by her is a great honor. Do pop into Bliss Bait's blog and fall in love with her art.

         Thank you very much to all for such an honor.

This award was presented by another great blogging friend and I'm truly thankful for it.

• Coco - The cutest Coco woofed this award my way, it is a huge honor and a humbling on at that. Receiving this award brought a joyful tear to my eye dear Coco, thank you very much and I enjoy your blog so much. You're the cutest and loving Chi and whenever I enter your place I know I'll enjoy it. Coco's blog offers something refreshing a unique, do check out Coco if you haven't already.

                            Thanks a million Coco for this honor.

It has taken me over a day to try and come upp with a name for my warrior but I keep pulling up something lame, something weak, something horrible and the worst, something too cute. So I''ve decided to ask you guys to help me name this  amazing fella........... The Price: Thhe gratitude of a girl with a nameless warrior on her hands.

Alright here are a few things you might wanna know before you help me here.

• He's been living here at Soul Dose for a day
• He hails from the colourful world of Doraz (Go  ahead, click on her name)
• He has demonstrated strength like superman's
• He gives great hugs and tell the best jokes
• He can play cute better than Puss In Boots
• He fears nothing, but respects everything.
• He keeps me company
• He enjoys being hugged every now and then
• He's my warrior and keeps away bad spirits
• He loves jumping around the room on one leg (I'll  ask Doraz about that)

But The Biggest Thing Here Is...............................................

• He's nameless and needs your help, any suggestions???
  

Doraz from Believe In Yourself gave me this beautiful gift from the kindness of her heart, it was the nicest thing to see after a long stressful day and I can honestly say she lifted my spirit and made my day. It was unexpected and came at a time when I needed a pick me up, thank you.

Her blog is one of those I find irresistible, it is a place where you go and come out with a great mood no matter how crappy it was before you entered. It is funny and it really  feels like you're in someones home. I'm privileged to knock on her door everyday because she opens with a smile and welcomes everyone... She also has these posts where she put a picture and then a question, it's my favorite part.

Take time to visit her blog and I promise you'll be hooked.

Thank you Doraz.

Whenever I see mom's old pictures I remember how easier life was when she could stand up and balance on her cane... She got sick in 1980/81 I'm not too sure, but only went full paralyzed in 1998... She got married to my dad in 1995 and they refused to make my brother their ring bearer and me their flower girl, they said we were too hyper.

That's me on my Matric Dance, kinda like the American Prom.

So why did I say Soul Dose? It'd be so cool right now to come up with an explanation so brilliant it'd knock Einsteins socks right off, along with his little boots but in this case Einstein wit\ll have to hang on to his feet snuggles because the explanation in anything but brilliant.

I was in my room thinking and somewhere between being angry at my brother (a pain in the behind) and falling flat on my face from my bed I realized something, my soul was broken and I needed to fix it, try to fix it daily and not give up till I feel like the person I knew I was meant to feel like.

What had broken my soul you ask? Being sick of course. It had changed me and made me who it wanted me to be. I thought I was in charge but no I was my illness's bitch (excuse the language, I've been watching too much Samantha on The And The City DVD ). I love her.

All this happened back in April right after my first waking up........ I think you get me now, you know how you take medication for an illness. I decided to name this site soul dose because that day I decided to take medication for my soul. I decided to find out what happened to me, to find out how it happened to me, to cry when I ffelt like it, hide when I couldn't deal, scream when my voice came back, love like never before, laugh and sing and daily medicate my soul with the medicine of life.

My journey is hard especially these days but I'll write that on a new post now now.

I've spent these last few days in the past, I've been thinking about my life before that damn day that changed it all, thinking about what was............... What could have been......................... And what is.

If I'm honest, soul cleansing honest I have to say I was not living the life I would've been proud of when it was all said and done. I was alive, I was walking around but truth be told I  haven't felt alive till this year. I had my life and it looked perfect but I was a walking corpse who smiled the broadest to cover her pain in misery. I didn't show people the real me, covered in what I thought was coolness but now I see I was living a lie and daily getting more attached to my lie.

You see as a child I lost faith in humankind really, something tragic happened to me and kept on happening till I lost myself............. I'm not ready to talk about this part of  my life but I 'm trying to give you a picture of why some following events happened........ I won't make it an excuse though.

So there I was, a confused, sad lonely and scared girl, surrounded by girls in this All Girl boarding school called Inanda Seminary (In my opinion the best school you can take your girl child to, they not only teach the books stuff but they guide future women and make them strong independent ladies with style, respect and a grace) Ha ha ha I just blew my own horn back there, it's always nice to stroke my own ego every now and then.

Because of some things I'm not ready to get into I started covering up my pain by focusing on my hyper-activeness, wow I am so hyper (like Hammy on Over The Hedge), I figured if I laughed more and smiled more no one would see I wasn't a very happy girl, and soon the smiling got so easy and felt natural, hell I was happy........... But at night in my bed asleep, well that was another story, my dreams haunted me and pinned me to my sheets.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I shut down and disconnected from myself, I disconnected from the soul within and started living day to day just to keep the ball rolling. I felt no passion, no  fire, I was just breathing air in and out because my body was doing it.

This next line might shock you or make you roll your eyes while the words" oh please" roll out your tongue but believe me I mean them........................ I'm very sick yes, I'm stuck in bed sure, half the time I can't breathe yup, I'm battling time definitely but I've never felt so alive in my life. I have so much life in me and fire and love and the smile on my face is always heartfelt. I'm finally free to be myself, I'm finally rid of the nightmares and I'm finally living my truth.

Being sick sucks big time, but it has taught me the value of living and I'm gonna live to the max. I've learned that the past is the past, what matters is now and right now I'm happy, I'm alive and I'm smiling from the inside out, smile with me...........!!!!!

Remember to live as if the world is about to end.......................

Tomorrow I'm starting my exams and to be honest I'm far from prepared. This will sound like a low excuse but  seriously I have a migraine that has been my constant companion for months it makes it hard to study.... Told you it'll sound like an excuse.

So what's a girl to do you ask? Simple really, I'm gonna keep this book opened, keep these eyes focused and ignore the pounding in my head. Weak plan but I have to do this because I see the dream so clearly in my head.

My first paper is Accounting, not a very exciting thing to study I must say, it's kinda boring but when I look down and see my work balanced out it feels good. All those accounting people would know. I'll write it tomorrow from 8-10am and I'll pass this one.

On Friday I'm writing Commercial Law and boy I love it, maybe I just love reading the case studies, maybe it's the people breaking the law that excites little old me (I'm joking) but I enjoy this one.  It's my second last Law paper for the degree I'm doing, the last one will be in June next year.

Then on the 2nd I'm writing Maths, or rather Quantitative Modelling, sounds good huh. It's a fancy way to call it.

After that I'm gonna get a break which I'll use to study Business Management for my November 30th paper.

So after careful thinking and some studying I'm confident I'll pass 3, as for maths I'll try my best but it's not my strong point.

(This is my current activity and current challenge)

For  years I've had a problem with my speech, to be honest my voice has a problem with me, meaning it deserts me when I have no beef with it.. I think I had a nice voice, it wasn't too high or too low BUT I was a very fast talker.  I'd just go "papa di pap pap" and my mom would say I talk like I swallowed the tv and the radio all at once... So you see I was talented, ha ha ha.

But then when I got sick my speech got affected as well. It started slowly and I had this belief that it was a passing thing. I'd think no no no not my speech, take whatever but not that... But you see I wasn't in charge, I wasn't in control, all I could do  was hold on to the belief that one day I was gonna wake up and this would all be over. Months went by and my tongue got tighter, I 'd struggle to move from one word to the next and would struggle to start and finish a word. It seemed to get worse when I had the headaches. As an accounting student let me explain it this way:

I'd get the horrible headache, speech would diminish.

Next time I get that type of headache, speech will diminish once more.

And so on and so on.

It couldn't climb up a level it kept going down.

Till one day I couldn't speak at all, I could only write and that was my only way to communicate, which sucked because talking is my thing, was my thing.

So over the years my speech has come and gone come and gone, but even when it's back I can't sound like my old self, I can barely finish one word and a sentence well you get the picture...... For people unfortunate enough to be talking to me it's frustrating because they struggle to understand. There I am thinking damn I'm nailing this but the next person is busy trying to figure out what I just said.

That was my little speech story. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk like before, maybe I'll be able to hold word conversation but till then, my phone texter is my best friend and I'm good with that..................... Hey who knows, maybe not being able saves me from saying the wrong things and keeps me innocent

It's 02:37am and I can't sleep, since I first woke up with my amnesia and all this I seem to have developed something else that's quiet annoying: Insomnia. I'm telling you I don't sleep and I hate it.

                             A girl needs her beauty sleep.

But insomnia gives me a chance to think and yesterday I was thinking about blessing. Yeah I made the mistake of mentioning them to someone and the response I got was rather hurtful.

The conversation went like this..... But in Zulu

Me:                                  You know I was thinking about how blessed I am.

Other Person:               What kind of blessings could you possibly be talking about?

Me:                                   Look at me, I have a loving family, they've cared for me all these years without complaining, they haven't taken me to a place where nurses could do the taking care of  and left me there. I'm clean and though I'm not 100% content I'm also not totally miserable.

Other Person:               OK. what else?

Me:                                  I'm alive, I've been hearing about how many times I've come close to dying, half the time I can't even breathe but look  I'm still alive. My brain  still works fine even though this constant oxygen supply is not good for it. And the best part is I'm registered at school and will write my exams this month come hell or high water.

Other Person:              But don't say you're blessed, at least say you're  still alive and leave it there.

Me:                                 Because?

Other Person:              Look I'm not saying this the wrong or rude way I'm only trying to tell you what I think. you spend all your days in bed, you can't even change positions without assistance, you can't turn your head... I wouldn't call those blessings. You should be angry, I sometimes get angry thinking of how much you've missed out of when I see people your age walking around.

The conversation went on but what stood out for me was hearing I "should be" angry, my thoughts are angry at what and what will it solve? I coulld scream and shout and spend my life angry but it won't do me any good... I'll still wake up and experince the same aches and pains, I'd still run around from doctor to doctor with no luck, this would still be my reality and living in anger is not a good idea.

Truth is I truly am blessed. Each time I'm in pain, each time I can't breathe, each time my feet develop sores, whenever I get my massive headaches and blood starts running out my nose....... Whenever a lot more stuff happens God  protects me, he has protected me for years and if that's not a blessing I don't know what is.

The fact that I can open a book when I'm feeling better and study a few pages is a blessing, because my CA dream is still alive. Being able to study towards it is a blessing bonus and yes I might not write all 4 papers but I plan on writing 2 or more...... I'll show y'all my results when they come out in December and the beauty is I'll write in the comfort of my own home. Unisa will send  an invigilator  to watch while I write and then take my paper back to the University (to avoid cheating and all.

To conclude I wanna say yeah my life is not what I dreamed it will be, but I'm making  the best of my situation because it is my reality...... Do I like this life? Of course not, I want more for myself but till then I will live, I will study, I will believe and I will keep counting my blessings.