Soul Dose

I got shorts, these may easily be the best shorts known to humankind. These aren't just any shorts no, these are the shortest most beautiful hottest short shorts ever and they fit, boy do they fit.

These shorts make me wanna walk down the street with a sign that says check out the booty on this one, ha ha ha... But seriously not wearing them is a crime to all the great shorts ever made, they're probably thinking 'this girl is stupid, she should be happy she got our queen and should be wearing her and working it'

Oooooohhhhh how I wish, how I wish to wear these and walk up and down the beach, feeling the sand on my toes and the breeze on my face, smelling that fresh sea air and eating ice cream like it's going out of fashion............ Sometimes those days feels like nothing but a dream, but other days, other days they all feels so close I can almost see them, grab them all and run with them.

Hello, hello, hello!

I tell you I'm cranky, I'm like that old guy in Monster House at this point due to no sleep, in short no sleep makes Silindile a cranky cranky girl... I try to keep busy, positive busy not useless time passing busy. Let me take you through some developments in my life:

On the 1st April I'll start studying for the May exams, I think my firs paper is on the 5th but I don't trust myself when it comes to date, I did forget my birthday after all and mom's and my sister's.... I'm not panicked about the exams because I'm a bit of a nerd who enjoys exams. Really I love exams and that's just crazy but they've always given me this rush, it's a place where I feel in control.

I've also been putting the first chapter of my so called book down, gotta tell you I love the book title but the book itself is aaaaah. It's in my head and I'll keep trying to get it out in the right way.

And I've been exercising, which should really lead to sleep when you think about it but nope it doesn't. It's painful, it's tiring, it's hard and has led to tears on some occasions... I see the physiotherapist once a week these days and I'm improving (Jaymie I think you were right about her being a ninja)..... My goal at this point is to be strong and then take it from there, who knows maybe one day I'll climb Mount Everest or something, ha ha ha I'm kidding I wouldn't do that even if a million rands was waiting for me at the top.

Been spending more time with me nephew, curled up in bed watching animated movies, I was surprised to see how good his reading has gotten, I was writing a text thinking no he can't read, next thing he starts reading aloud till he reached the word temper and got stumped, gotta say I was impressed.

Well what do you know this mobile browser works great, I didn't believe it was really like a PC browser when I read details about it but I thought let me try, I'm giving it 2 thumbs up!

Gotta watch MEET THE ROBINSONS like I promised, bye and stay beautiful...!!!

Alright this is ridiculous, I'm a person, a human being and yes I'm sick but I'm still a person. I had a terrible experience at the dentist that left me with tears and I'm not even big on crying.

My brother and gran took me to a dentist I had never gone to before because I needed to extract the tooth right at the back. I had tried to live with it for over a month but the pain had gotten so bad it was affecting my temper... Maybe you don't know but I woke up with a teeth problem that will require R87 000 to fix or $11 000 roughly. I have a page about it but it's not online yet. I'll talk about this some other time, right now I'm talking about my dentist experience.

So my brother strapped me to my chair and I went in with gran, we gave them my history, told them my tests reveal I'm not allergic to anything, they got my medical aid, heard about my shaking and fainting. In other words they knew everything they needed to know, they also knew doctors can't diagnose my problem.

They started checking my teeth and one nurse had too much perfume, as someone who throws up even when she smells food I started throwing up. That stint passed but was soon followed by the shaking and I passed out. Gran helped me breathe again but as my eyes looked around I noticed the looks on everyone's faces, they were looking at me like I was a freak, an alien, something that had crawled out of the john that morning because they no longer wanted to touch me. As I looked at them I suddenly felt out of place and they saw on my papers that it was fine to extract, they knew the shaking had passed and wasn't gonna hit for some time but they chased me out of there.

My brother was upset and asked is she getting treated like this because of her condition, a condition she can't help? I was already crying and wanted to get in the car. We were in the reception area and all I could think of were the disgusted looks on the nurses and it made me feel like I was worth nothing.

That happened on a Tuesday, so I waited till Saturday for Mom Ndu to take me to the dentist she had taken me to in 2008 and the only reason I hadn't gone to her in the first place was because of my amnesia... When we got there she took out the tooth and she was so nice to me, she looked at me in a normal way and she's got such a good soul. She gave me her number and when I got home I sent a Thank You message and her reply was so sweet.

I'm fine with myself and I'm okay with my condition. Yes it's not what I'd chose for myself and it's not easy but I'm seriously okay with it... Still it hurts when I'm out in public and get looks like those, it hurts and I hope one day the world will look at an ill person (I don't like the word disabled) and see the soul within. Because I'm not my illness, no one is.

There's this thing that bugs me from time to time, really it's not really a bad thing but I think I have to mention it her, it's the 13 Going On 30 thing. What am I talking about? Let's break it down and get to the bottom of this thing.

When I got sick there was no warning, no scary drums that you hear on  horror movies when someone is above to enter an old dark abandoned house and Freddy's waiting in there about to strike. There was no unusual tiredness, no  headaches, no dizziness, there was nothing that said "Go see a Doctor idiot, get checked out" So this girl remained blissfully unaware something was wrong with her, till the very last second when I heard the loud banging noise and saw the blood rushing down my top and then, blackout.

Fast forward 6 years later when I look at myself, I'm 25 years old and don't remember what on earth happened  since that March 2004 day and now. I was 19 at the time and I think I was still  a child, not young but you know what I mean.

I'm now 25, it's like I slept and woke up years later, only I was awake, I wasn't in a coma, I just don't remember anything. Between you and me, I sometimes laugh at this thing.

That is how life pulled  a 13 Going On 30 on me.

Am I upset? Sometimes I wish I had made my transition from girl to woman in a normal way, a way I could at least remember later but no I'm not upset. I know whatever made me forget there's a reason for it, maybe if I knew everything that happened I'd be saddened, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today but I do know this - My life is far from over, this battle is far from wrapped up, I will wake up everyday and be a happy fighting 25 year old because yesterday is gone but tomorrow is forever, Dolly  Parton said it best.

So why did I say Soul Dose? It'd be so cool right now to come up with an explanation so brilliant it'd knock Einsteins socks right off, along with his little boots but in this case Einstein wit\ll have to hang on to his feet snuggles because the explanation in anything but brilliant.

I was in my room thinking and somewhere between being angry at my brother (a pain in the behind) and falling flat on my face from my bed I realized something, my soul was broken and I needed to fix it, try to fix it daily and not give up till I feel like the person I knew I was meant to feel like.

What had broken my soul you ask? Being sick of course. It had changed me and made me who it wanted me to be. I thought I was in charge but no I was my illness's bitch (excuse the language, I've been watching too much Samantha on The And The City DVD ). I love her.

All this happened back in April right after my first waking up........ I think you get me now, you know how you take medication for an illness. I decided to name this site soul dose because that day I decided to take medication for my soul. I decided to find out what happened to me, to find out how it happened to me, to cry when I ffelt like it, hide when I couldn't deal, scream when my voice came back, love like never before, laugh and sing and daily medicate my soul with the medicine of life.

My journey is hard especially these days but I'll write that on a new post now now.