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Good To Be Back...!!!

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:47:00 -0400

Hello dear friends, my my its been so long since I made a blog post, saying I missed it would be an understatement.

Blogging opened my eyes to the beauty and love our world still possesses, it shows me how good hearts are out there, it lifted it higher in so many ways... Writing liberated me, it was a truly liberating experience, it freed my soul, I can't tell you enough how good it felt to speak my heart in a fearless platform.................. I met amazing, selfless, great people through this website, people who helped me in so many ways I'll make a post just to thank you sometime this week, your comments, emails and more meant a lot, again they too lift me higher........ As I resume blogging I hope you'll once again join me in this fight and walk with me as we seek answers. This fight is not over, this heart still believes in victory, this is MY JOURNEY INTO RECOVERY... I'll be back with my first official post, for now I wanted to say hello. Remember my friends, you're beauty so STAY BEAUTIFUL.

This Change, Wishing It Away

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 05:27:00 -0400

I've seen the devil's eyes, filled with hatred and hungry for torment.
I looked in those eyes, I was just a little girl.
Each touch, no each yank left a bruise on my skin,
each drag made me scream out loud,
But my heart was suffering the most, in a fog I could not understand.

A slap across my face followed by hard shut up words,
The smell of his skin suffocating me, but brought him to a smile.
I looked in the eyes of hatred, wondering what was my crime.
Till I found myself facing a knife, I wasn't even 5.
So this was new, but I knew it was evil at it's best.

Send me down my angel, flung him down, throw him down.
I need help, get me down my angel because my soul is bruising.
During the short years of my life, I had been told about angels.
Where is mine now, I need mine before it's too late.
Just a few minutes ago I had been playing with my teddy,
Now I have my head pinned to the dirty ground, I'm only a little girl.

Minutes later I'm sleeping on the ground, clutching my bear.
My clothes are dirty because of the dragging,
My body is in pain, the kind I never knew existed,
And my soul is filled with hatred and burning with anger.
This body is in pain, this little girl is traumatized,
But my heart, my heart is shattered into a million pieces,
I cry myself to sleep on the floor, clutching my brown bear.

Small Dreams

Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:33:00 -0400

I got shorts, these may easily be the best shorts known to humankind. These aren't just any shorts no, these are the shortest most beautiful hottest short shorts ever and they fit, boy do they fit.

These shorts make me wanna walk down the street with a sign that says check out the booty on this one, ha ha ha... But seriously not wearing them is a crime to all the great shorts ever made, they're probably thinking 'this girl is stupid, she should be happy she got our queen and should be wearing her and working it'

Oooooohhhhh how I wish, how I wish to wear these and walk up and down the beach, feeling the sand on my toes and the breeze on my face, smelling that fresh sea air and eating ice cream like it's going out of fashion............ Sometimes those days feels like nothing but a dream, but other days, other days they all feels so close I can almost see them, grab them all and run with them.

As The Clock Ticks

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 05:11:00 -0400

Hello, hello, hello!

I tell you I'm cranky, I'm like that old guy in Monster House at this point due to no sleep, in short no sleep makes Silindile a cranky cranky girl... I try to keep busy, positive busy not useless time passing busy. Let me take you through some developments in my life:

On the 1st April I'll start studying for the May exams, I think my firs paper is on the 5th but I don't trust myself when it comes to date, I did forget my birthday after all and mom's and my sister's.... I'm not panicked about the exams because I'm a bit of a nerd who enjoys exams. Really I love exams and that's just crazy but they've always given me this rush, it's a place where I feel in control.

I've also been putting the first chapter of my so called book down, gotta tell you I love the book title but the book itself is aaaaah. It's in my head and I'll keep trying to get it out in the right way.

And I've been exercising, which should really lead to sleep when you think about it but nope it doesn't. It's painful, it's tiring, it's hard and has led to tears on some occasions... I see the physiotherapist once a week these days and I'm improving (Jaymie I think you were right about her being a ninja)..... My goal at this point is to be strong and then take it from there, who knows maybe one day I'll climb Mount Everest or something, ha ha ha I'm kidding I wouldn't do that even if a million rands was waiting for me at the top.

Been spending more time with me nephew, curled up in bed watching animated movies, I was surprised to see how good his reading has gotten, I was writing a text thinking no he can't read, next thing he starts reading aloud till he reached the word temper and got stumped, gotta say I was impressed.

Well what do you know this mobile browser works great, I didn't believe it was really like a PC browser when I read details about it but I thought let me try, I'm giving it 2 thumbs up!

Gotta watch MEET THE ROBINSONS like I promised, bye and stay beautiful...!!!

My True Self

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 09:00:00 -0400

I do not know my stand; I do not know who I am.

I cannot tell of my being, I am trying to find my feet.

I cannot separate my truth from the worlds,

My feet are not firmly planted on this earth.

I am just a 26 year young woman,

I am trying to find my true self.

My dark skin is not who I am,

My hair is not gonna be my crowning glory,

Not for one more day.

My smile is not gonna define me,

I need to find the true soul within.

My clothes are not gonna give me value,

My eyes are not gonna tell them what I want,

My stride is not gonna be interpreted as something else,

It is just the way I put my foot in front of the other.

I will scream out when the mood allows,

I will hide out when company gets too much.

I will wear black when they all wear white,

I will sing and dance to my heart’s rhythm.

I am only a 26 year old woman,

And my soul I will find and embrace.

I do not know my future; I cannot predict tomorrow,

I do not know the sorrow that awaits me,

Tomorrow might be harder than today.

This woman of 26 is not gonna hide in the shadows,

I am gonna face my tomorrow with new found hope.

I may not know the future; time might take me far or near.

I will stand up and be counted; finding myself in the process.

My tomorrow might bring me joy,

And light up my life for the world to see,

But today I am preparing for anything,

Making myself strong for whatever may come my way.

I am just a woman of 26; the world is mine for the taking.

Prepared; that is what I am.

Determined; it is all I can feel deep inside.

Finding myself, I will do it step by step,

Day by day, the soul within will emerge,

Because I am a woman of 26,

I am looking for the true person inside.

A Girl's Heart

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:44:00 -0500

Her name is mystery, her eyes are dark,
Her coat is long, her destiny unknown,
Her sorrow runs deep, her fears hidden,
This girl is a hero, yet no one can tell.

Her arms are inviting, her lips are sealed,
Her chest is warm, her legs are strong,
Her journey long, her path not clear,
This girl is a woman, slowly finding herself.

Who knows her struggle, no one sees her tears.
Who notices when her clouds turn the shade of grey?
Who picks up the pieces of her heart?
Who paves her way and clears the dirt?
No one can, no one sees her struggle because
This woman is strong; she can keep it all in.

Now her name is joy, her name is strength,
Now her skirt is shorter, her eyes shine bright,
Now her sorrow is gone, her future looks bright,
This girl is a hero, she’s done it again.

(My nomination for this week is Jaymie, she'a amazing)

Thoughts

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:04:00 -0500

I'll be posting my poetry on this page from now on, the poetry page loads every poem I've ever posted and doesn't hide the much older poems... So for now I'll transfer them to here and delete the poetry page all together.

In other news, I've finally decided to publish a book, it's a work in progress and nowhere near finished.. For some time I wasn't sure I should do it, I still don't think I have what it takes but I'll never know till I try my best............ While the book is about my life from the age of 3 it involves other people and that is another reason I've had my doubts. Do I change the names, why protect some undeserving, questions like that but my mind is made up, I'M GOING TO FINISH MY BOOK AND TRY TO GET IT PUBLISHED.:D

My Mother..... My Strength

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 05:45:00 -0500

Everyday life happens, and for me everyday is a triple miracle... I've learned so much these past few months and am still learning about life, God, family, friends, love and mostly about myself. But today I'm talking about my mother, Mrs Nomusa Doreen Ntuli, the most amazing woman I know.

That's mom when she was little, she's still the most beautiful woman I know.

As you know now my mother got sick in 1980, she was in a coma for 3 months and woke up in need of one walking stick.... She soon gave birth to my sister Lindelwa and then me, she ended with my brother. The pregnancies weren't easy and as we grew up my mother really started getting sick. When I was around 13 she could barely walk with her cane and within months she was in a wheelchair.... She never complained ever, but we knew she wasn't just paralyzed, mom was sick and in a lot of pain. But my mother had a dream, she wanted to study and work one day, she enrolled at Unisa.

We used to tease mom because she did her degree at Unisa, she started the joke and it lasted throughout her degree studying. We used to say "Mom Unisa is for cowards, people who sneak up on education but full time studying is looking education straight in the eye and going for it". We'd laugh about it and go post her assignments when we were done laughing... Mom, Dad and my brother Mandi are the serial "laughers" in the family, tears stream and those capable even roll down on the floor.

It wasn't until I started studying at Unisa that I started to really appreciate the amount of work it takes to study at home and go for your exam at the chosen exam center. Sure the first year is so easy getting 100% was a must and I did, all my first levels were passed with 100% and my family tells me I'd maybe study for two days out of the whole what 4 months and still pass. To me that meant one this: the illness hadn't damaged my head.

Doing second year is not so easy, in other words studying at Unisa is not a stroll in the park and third year oh boy Accounting makes you feel like you're studying Mandarin or something.....

So mom, I've said this so many times but you're my hero, you gave birth to three children, you raised us together with Gran and Mom Ndu, everyday you cooked, you cleaned, you washed, you ironed, you made sure we grew up as normal as possible and even though we saw you were sick and still are, even though we saw your walking sticks and later your wheelchair you never complained, you sang the weirdest songs when you did your housework especially the dishes... And at night you'd take your books and study, you'd do your assignments and you finally got your degree, now I know your health has been even more poor but you have a job now, something you dreamed about for years and years, I'm so proud of you.

At her graduation, now she's doing her
honors, I'm so proud... That watch was
a graduation gift from me.

I consider myself blessed to have a mother so strong, a few weeks ago when my family thought I was dying because it was really bad my mother shouted and said to God "Please, please take the illness from my daughter and give it to me, let me suffer in her place, let me be on the ground bleeding like she is. please I want a normal life for her". I was on the floor at the time groaning but I heard her and started crying. God didn't do that and I thank him because mom has her own aches and pains but the thought, the thought hit me and I just started crying.... That's the woman my mother is, she had her children the hard way, she was already sick and so she's protective, she can't fall asleep when my sister gets off work at 11pm, she has to see her and my brother (he picks her up) enter the house and then sleep.

She went straight back to work
after a 6 month hospital stay, a real trouper.

If I hadn't grown up with this amazing woman my life would be different, her strength gives me strength and yes, she's SUPERWOMAN........ THANK YOU MOM

My Heart Smiles

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:15:00 -0500

I’ve seen I have a life ahead of me,
Years of happiness and laughter.
I’ve felt the greatest touch,
The magical everlasting touch
And since that hour,
Even my heart is smiling.

I saw God in my dreams,
He showed himself in a form only
he knew I could relate to,
My dear deceased grandfather.
But no, that was him sent by God.
He was an instrument, which delivered the
right message without uttering a word.

After a dream like that one wonders.
Why do I ever get the sad down days?
Everyday, every hour, every minute.
God is right beside me, right here beside me
Protecting me during every shake
Covering my every fall and gentle.
Yes gentle telling me to hold on.

My Today

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:42:00 -0500

I have a new page that I'm fond of , the Friends Say... page, please check it out.

So today I woke up with my nephew next to me and I love that little guy so much I smiled with happiness, till 5 minutes later I started vomiting blood, pure blood with some water and my stomach soon join in the circus and gave me some problems. I knew then my appointment with the eye doctor was down the drain so I did what anyone would've done.

I got cleaned up, drank some water and listened to my nephew talk nonstop while pretending the pain was gone. He talked about the songs he knows, counting them and he found out he knows 26 songs and I found out I love him so much I listened to that for nearly two hours with a smile on my face, a hand on my stomach and an little nod here and there.

Right now I'm in bed waiting for Mom Ndu, she'll give me a bath and then I can try to sleep but since I have a bad case of insomnia I'll sleep for less than two hours.

The key to keeping my nephew quiet during those hours is to put all HOME ALONE movies in my laptop, make him sit down and watch, the downside is when he laughs the neighbors hear.

As for me I'm in a lot of pain, still wishing I could go seek help in America or Europe, I'm vomiting blood every now and then today, my shaking is extreme, I'm bruised all over because there isn't a wall I haven't gotten thrown at, I have a migraine and a swollen stomach.

That's all for now.

I'm smiling and believing, let's smile together and one day the whole world will smile and believe, it starts with you.

Cheers And Stay Beautiful

(Oh I'm on a campaign to get Purplehatter to create something specific for me but I can't comment on his blog.)

No This Won't Win

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:30:00 -0500

Hello my friends

So here's the thing, I started souldose for one reason, okay maybe two. The first and most important was that I'm going through something strange, something that is cruel and has basically taken over my whole body, going through this thing made me wanna speak out and say to the world "whatever you're going through keep believing". My illness is making life hard for me but as I look at the people around me I realize it's even harder for them. So here I am, taking back my blog and in doing so showing my family and the world that I will never ever give up and I may have horrible days like these but from now on I'll control what happens on those days, I won't let them scare the people around me and I will keep the faith.

I won't lie, every hour is a struggle but then I start thinking this struggle is God's challenge, he's challenging my faith and he's giving me a task to go out there and tell the world to believe, tell the world that no matter how hard life is, giving up should be kicked out of each and every human being's vocabulary. The phrase "it's too hard" must not exist and everyone who is still breathing should be thankful and celebrate each breath.

I know there are no guarantees in life but I can guarantee that this will not rule my soul, yes it has forced me to stay in bed, yes I can't even say one word, yes I shake and shake uncontrollably 3 or 4 times every hours and yes I'm plagued with migraines more each day. This unknown and unexplainable illness has forced me into this life but it'll never take over my heart and will never ever take over my soul. My heart belongs to me, my family, my friends and Mr Man but my soul, my soul belongs to me and the man upstairs.

Cheers And Stay Beautiful

Souldose is too sick

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 08:14:00 -0500

Morning Everyone, due to Silindile Ntuli's illness taking a severe turn overnight Souldose will be put on hold for a while. She's a strong girl I'm sure she'll bounce back. In the meantime we might run a few personal messages she was asking her friends and family to write for the site but without her it won't be a bubbly and inspirational place only she made it to be. Get well soon Slindy, you're loved.

First Award Day

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:22:00 -0500

When I started this website I never thought it will help free me so much, I never thought I'd meet such incredible people and I never ever thought someone would give me an award, no not me... So when I received the first I was shocked and very happy but still shocked, and I keep receiving them the level of happiness keeps going up. Receiving an award is so humbling, I feel connected to the people who read my blog and it's time I'm honored to get an award, it's a huge honor and I'm so grateful to everyone who care enough to pop into Soul Dose and read what silly me has written, it makes me so much stronger to know that someone out there took the time to find out what's in my heart.

Thanks to the people who gave me the award I'm talking about today and thanks to everyone who spare a few minutes to visit my site.

First let me honor the first award I received - The Best Blog Award, I got it from my blogging friends:

- Doraz who has a fantastic and hilarious blog titles Believe In Yourself,this woman has the kindest heart and is so caring and loving. She makes each person on earth feel special and always finds a way to make people laugh.

- Alina whose blog is filled with eye popping pictures over at World Is In My Eyes,Yesterday I even asked her whee does she find this art because it takes my breath away, yeah sometimes it's creepy but usually it's gorgeous.

- Tasneem who wants the world to laugh at her blog Laugh Hard . Another woman who has jokes that make me laugh till my stomach hurts

- Blissbait, is a painter extraordinaire and a haiku pro with a blog called Bliss Bait. She has a fun relaxed places filled with beauty she creates and her spirit is beautiful.

- Jaymie a poet who writes poems that grab you and make you think over at Jaymie Thorne's Personal Musings,she is a poet I'm honored to call my blogging friend, a pro at what she does and she's also a kindhearted woman who loves people and life.

This is the award I'm talking about

The Thing is it came with a simple instruction, whoever got it had to pass it on to 15 bloggers and simple as it sounds it ain't............ The 5 people who gave me this award are more than deserving of getting it back but I feel like new people should get it, it's an award to be shared far and wide.

So here are my 15 recipients in no particular order:

1. The Soaring Implse

2. Scented Pixels

3. To The Max

4. Baglett

5. melsdream

6. Wherever He Leads We'll Follow

7. Shiteki Na Usagi

8. life with a severely disabled child

9. Adventures Of Home Schooling Noah

10. My Life with Gabriel

11. KNOW YOUR "IT'S"

12. Into The Quiet

13. Ramblings of a Skinny Little Sister

14. Love Being A Chihuahua

15. Trippin' With Rip!

The official rules are you have to pass it on to 15 people but here at Soul Dose you can do anything you want with it but please come claim it and copy it if you've never received it before, passing it on is all up to you.

I'll pass the next award next week, starting tomorrow I'll be talking about my illness, the illness that won't quit. It keeps piling up and coming with new surprises and not good surprises... So from tomorrow it's doom and gloom, ha ha ha.

Cheers And Stay Beautiful

I'm A Bad Blogger

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:29:00 -0500

I'm such a bad person, I never pass on the awards I get and I've never followed the rules, it's just my blogging is so unstable, sometimes I go for weeks without blogging but luckily I made a list of all the awards and dates I got them, for my next blogging opportunity I promise to start doing my awards, following the rules and passing them to my nominees.

But one thing is true, every award I get is very special and I get so happy, humbled and feel honored, thank you to everyone and please expect proper thank yous starting next time I blog and I thank one post at a time, hope I can still find the rules.

Thank you everyone for putting up with this rule breaker and for reading my blog.

Bye And Stay Beautiful

A Tattoo For Me

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 04:53:00 -0500

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, nothing freaky or too out there but yes I really wanna get one but I don't know where to place it... I've thought about my neck but I don't want unnecessary extra pain, I've thought about below my belly button but my stomach is way too cute, I've thought about my arm but nah, so where can I put this baby?

I remember Jennifer Aniston's tattoo on FRIENDS and yeah that spot was good, but so is my wrist and that way I wouldn't have to but a watch............... My back? nah. Oh my leg, but no.

Okay I'm officially tattoo mad..... I have to make a decision, making a decision,, thinking, thinking, still thinking, alright done.

I'll tattoo the words 18 March 2004 - 27 April 2009 on my wrist.

I'm choosing this writing because 18 March is the day I bled, fell and got sick.... 27 April is the day I woke up remembering nothing that happened after falling.... So for me this is really important and I don;t like tattoos but this time I'm being a hypocrite.

Don't Write Me Off Please.............

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 07:04:00 -0500

Alright this is ridiculous, I'm a person, a human being and yes I'm sick but I'm still a person. I had a terrible experience at the dentist that left me with tears and I'm not even big on crying.

My brother and gran took me to a dentist I had never gone to before because I needed to extract the tooth right at the back. I had tried to live with it for over a month but the pain had gotten so bad it was affecting my temper... Maybe you don't know but I woke up with a teeth problem that will require R87 000 to fix or $11 000 roughly. I have a page about it but it's not online yet. I'll talk about this some other time, right now I'm talking about my dentist experience.

So my brother strapped me to my chair and I went in with gran, we gave them my history, told them my tests reveal I'm not allergic to anything, they got my medical aid, heard about my shaking and fainting. In other words they knew everything they needed to know, they also knew doctors can't diagnose my problem.

They started checking my teeth and one nurse had too much perfume, as someone who throws up even when she smells food I started throwing up. That stint passed but was soon followed by the shaking and I passed out. Gran helped me breathe again but as my eyes looked around I noticed the looks on everyone's faces, they were looking at me like I was a freak, an alien, something that had crawled out of the john that morning because they no longer wanted to touch me. As I looked at them I suddenly felt out of place and they saw on my papers that it was fine to extract, they knew the shaking had passed and wasn't gonna hit for some time but they chased me out of there.

My brother was upset and asked is she getting treated like this because of her condition, a condition she can't help? I was already crying and wanted to get in the car. We were in the reception area and all I could think of were the disgusted looks on the nurses and it made me feel like I was worth nothing.

That happened on a Tuesday, so I waited till Saturday for Mom Ndu to take me to the dentist she had taken me to in 2008 and the only reason I hadn't gone to her in the first place was because of my amnesia... When we got there she took out the tooth and she was so nice to me, she looked at me in a normal way and she's got such a good soul. She gave me her number and when I got home I sent a Thank You message and her reply was so sweet.

I'm fine with myself and I'm okay with my condition. Yes it's not what I'd chose for myself and it's not easy but I'm seriously okay with it... Still it hurts when I'm out in public and get looks like those, it hurts and I hope one day the world will look at an ill person (I don't like the word disabled) and see the soul within. Because I'm not my illness, no one is.

As My World Spins

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 08:33:00 -0500

When I first woke up with my amnesia and started hearing stories about what used to happen when I got really really sick I thought no there's no way those things can happen to a person over 3 times every hour, that person would either be dead by now, or my brain would be mush or my family is exaggerating... But within an hour I started going through them again but thought nah it's a passing thing.

But these past few months are knocking me down like there's no tomorrow and the thing is I'm getting worse but there's nothing I can do about it. It's like I'm watching a meteor heading straight for my house but tired to the spot where it'll hit. Every month gets worse than the last and the shaking has gotten so violent and so frequent it leaves my whole body in excruciating pain, only to hit me just when the pain is starting to go down.

It's been tough to see myself going through the very thing my amnesia made me forget and my biggest worry is the shocking sensation right at the top of my head that just won't quit, yeah it comes with migraines but I'm used to them, the shocks are my main concern.

When this thing started getting out of hand I got kinda depressed and about a month ago I lashed out at Mr Man, it was stupid and I'm sorry honey, I know I've said it and it's in the past but saying it again is the right thing... I was really at a bad place and had a bad day but still I shouldn't have taken out my frustrations on you... I love you.

So I've realized that this illness is blowing up, I'm hardly able to blog but because I love it so much I came out with a plan that will keep me in blog-ville, you'll see in a few days my friends.

I've been asking God for an answer to my problem, asking him to heal me but I've realized there's a reason why this happened to me, God hears my prayers and if he didn't I'd be long gone by now, I know he hears me and he has a plan for me. I don't understand it at the moment but tonight instead of asking for the same thing I ask for every time I'm gonna tell him I'm ready for whatever he has planned for me, I'm ready to keep the faith and to stay positive still.

For a few days I was sad, really sad and wondering when will this be over, but now I'm okay and I'm just waking up each morning on the floor, laughing about it as soon as I'm breathing and living my day in this rollercoaster but it's mine and God has a plan behind all this...... And that, my friends, keep me waking up each day no matter how hard it is, burying my head in the covers works for one day in many months but it's not who I am or who I want this journey to turn me into, so I wake up, say a prayer, look at my goal list and let the day begin.

Bye For Now And Stay Beautiful...!!!

Hooray

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 02:18:00 -0500

Tomorrow it's my birthday, I'm turning 26 but because of my amnesia it feels like I'm turning 21 but it's cool., I'm adjusting to it.

Happy birthday to me

Still Searching For A Get Out Of Bed Answer

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:11:00 -0500

As you know my left side is totally paralyzed now I decided to find out was the paralysis a quick thing or an overtime thing, did we (my family and I) try to stop it and at what point did I loose control over my neck and had to be supported....... As for my speech it barely comes back and barely sound like words but then goes goes for months.

Mom said it was 2004 and I was already sick and walking slow with a cane and a wall sometimes but I was walking. Then one day we watched tv and I felt something moving down my left arm (I've written about this part before). I screamed thinking it was a spider but nope it was blood coming from my elbow like someone had open a little blood tap there. I felt no pain and when we finally got to the doctor he was just as confused because there was no cut or puncher, my elbow had no way of getting out that blood but it was doing it and continued for days.

After that my elbow got sensitive to everything and I had to wear a bandage. I still wear a bandage and from time to time it bleeds again for hours

Before we knew it my hand started folding in and the doctor we saw suggested I hold some little ball while I still can and he did some therapy on it but a few days later my hand was completely clenched and surprisingly, my whole leg was just as stiff and painful.

Then one afternoon I was with my mom, sister and brother when a bizarre but head spinning painful thing happened. I was on my bed standing when I fainted as usual. After they helped me out I looked at my shoulder and it was separate from my arm. The bones were separated by a big big space and if it weren't for the skin I wouldn't have looked.

The doctor said it's caused by my spasms and when I went to the doctor who specializes in this kind of stuff he said the same thing. So now my family has to push my arm back each time it gets loose, they just follow the crying voice.

I decided to write this post because we'll soon start physical therapy on the left side, some parts like the arm are really painful but I wanna get out of this bed or at least I wanna fail trying, so I gotta be a big girl and do thin...!!!

My Miracle Worker

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 06:47:00 -0500

Sometimes in life no matter how positive you are there are days that make you feel so sad and so sick you can't even think straight, sadly those days have visited my home, built a small little tent and are roasting marshmallows and singing"Cumber ya" (Sorry I don't know how to write that but I've always liked the sound of it)............................ I've had a few nights where I silently cried but like everything else every time I wiped my face I knew I had to pull out of it.. So. I made a plan.

I woke up and thought alright since I seem to be getting worse by the day what can I do to gain some control back. My life has been spinning out of control and I hatted seeing myself paddling backwards... (Ha ha ha, I just thought of how the cartoons starts by running in one spot before the shoot out and run so fast I laugh even though I know it's coming)........ As I was thinking of my dilemma my brother came into my room, we had some words because well we're siblings but when he said something about my situation I said "That's it, put on your shoes brother because we're going outside this house"

We went looking for a Physical Therapist and boy did we find one. I've been working with her eversince and I love that Doctor Girl, well that's not her real name. But yes I found the perfect therapist and I'm so excited about it I've told just about anyone who can understand my weird talking and even weirder sign language.

First time I went to her I was upset because my right arm (which is my only working arm) was also starting to have the same problems my left arm has, I couldn't lift a glass of water, it had shooting pains and sometimes shocking pains, it was barely working and I kept thinking "No no no no no no no, I can't lose both arms, no no how will I continue with my studies and my blogging"....... When I left her room I was thinking "This woman is a magician, look my fingers are already moving" And thanks to her and the stuff she gave me to support a lot of things on my body I can type again. She knows magic I tell you, meaning I have a lot of trust in her and I hope she can help. Our sessions are 3 times a week.

Now I'm trying to solve my eyes problem and once that's done I'll try to solve the hardest problem, my teeth... My teeth are a big problem but when this year started Mr Man said something thhat I choose to believe. He said "This is 2010 babe, all your dreams will be a reality"

My dreams are not too much and I'll write about then sooner than you can say knife... Thanks to the magic doctor.

Bye And Stay Beautiful...!!!