Soul Dose

It's 02:37am and I can't sleep, since I first woke up with my amnesia and all this I seem to have developed something else that's quiet annoying: Insomnia. I'm telling you I don't sleep and I hate it.

                             A girl needs her beauty sleep.

But insomnia gives me a chance to think and yesterday I was thinking about blessing. Yeah I made the mistake of mentioning them to someone and the response I got was rather hurtful.

The conversation went like this..... But in Zulu

Me:                                  You know I was thinking about how blessed I am.

Other Person:               What kind of blessings could you possibly be talking about?

Me:                                   Look at me, I have a loving family, they've cared for me all these years without complaining, they haven't taken me to a place where nurses could do the taking care of  and left me there. I'm clean and though I'm not 100% content I'm also not totally miserable.

Other Person:               OK. what else?

Me:                                  I'm alive, I've been hearing about how many times I've come close to dying, half the time I can't even breathe but look  I'm still alive. My brain  still works fine even though this constant oxygen supply is not good for it. And the best part is I'm registered at school and will write my exams this month come hell or high water.

Other Person:              But don't say you're blessed, at least say you're  still alive and leave it there.

Me:                                 Because?

Other Person:              Look I'm not saying this the wrong or rude way I'm only trying to tell you what I think. you spend all your days in bed, you can't even change positions without assistance, you can't turn your head... I wouldn't call those blessings. You should be angry, I sometimes get angry thinking of how much you've missed out of when I see people your age walking around.

The conversation went on but what stood out for me was hearing I "should be" angry, my thoughts are angry at what and what will it solve? I coulld scream and shout and spend my life angry but it won't do me any good... I'll still wake up and experince the same aches and pains, I'd still run around from doctor to doctor with no luck, this would still be my reality and living in anger is not a good idea.

Truth is I truly am blessed. Each time I'm in pain, each time I can't breathe, each time my feet develop sores, whenever I get my massive headaches and blood starts running out my nose....... Whenever a lot more stuff happens God  protects me, he has protected me for years and if that's not a blessing I don't know what is.

The fact that I can open a book when I'm feeling better and study a few pages is a blessing, because my CA dream is still alive. Being able to study towards it is a blessing bonus and yes I might not write all 4 papers but I plan on writing 2 or more...... I'll show y'all my results when they come out in December and the beauty is I'll write in the comfort of my own home. Unisa will send  an invigilator  to watch while I write and then take my paper back to the University (to avoid cheating and all.

To conclude I wanna say yeah my life is not what I dreamed it will be, but I'm making  the best of my situation because it is my reality...... Do I like this life? Of course not, I want more for myself but till then I will live, I will study, I will believe and I will keep counting my blessings.