Soul Dose

I've spent these last few days in the past, I've been thinking about my life before that damn day that changed it all, thinking about what was............... What could have been......................... And what is.

If I'm honest, soul cleansing honest I have to say I was not living the life I would've been proud of when it was all said and done. I was alive, I was walking around but truth be told I  haven't felt alive till this year. I had my life and it looked perfect but I was a walking corpse who smiled the broadest to cover her pain in misery. I didn't show people the real me, covered in what I thought was coolness but now I see I was living a lie and daily getting more attached to my lie.

You see as a child I lost faith in humankind really, something tragic happened to me and kept on happening till I lost myself............. I'm not ready to talk about this part of  my life but I 'm trying to give you a picture of why some following events happened........ I won't make it an excuse though.

So there I was, a confused, sad lonely and scared girl, surrounded by girls in this All Girl boarding school called Inanda Seminary (In my opinion the best school you can take your girl child to, they not only teach the books stuff but they guide future women and make them strong independent ladies with style, respect and a grace) Ha ha ha I just blew my own horn back there, it's always nice to stroke my own ego every now and then.

Because of some things I'm not ready to get into I started covering up my pain by focusing on my hyper-activeness, wow I am so hyper (like Hammy on Over The Hedge), I figured if I laughed more and smiled more no one would see I wasn't a very happy girl, and soon the smiling got so easy and felt natural, hell I was happy........... But at night in my bed asleep, well that was another story, my dreams haunted me and pinned me to my sheets.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I shut down and disconnected from myself, I disconnected from the soul within and started living day to day just to keep the ball rolling. I felt no passion, no  fire, I was just breathing air in and out because my body was doing it.

This next line might shock you or make you roll your eyes while the words" oh please" roll out your tongue but believe me I mean them........................ I'm very sick yes, I'm stuck in bed sure, half the time I can't breathe yup, I'm battling time definitely but I've never felt so alive in my life. I have so much life in me and fire and love and the smile on my face is always heartfelt. I'm finally free to be myself, I'm finally rid of the nightmares and I'm finally living my truth.

Being sick sucks big time, but it has taught me the value of living and I'm gonna live to the max. I've learned that the past is the past, what matters is now and right now I'm happy, I'm alive and I'm smiling from the inside out, smile with me...........!!!!!

Remember to live as if the world is about to end.......................