Soul Dose

Today I decided to write about the not so good, about the hard time I had accepting this and the personal struggle, the anger, shouting whenever I could talk, crying, losing myself and just being angry.

According to my family for over a year after I started living with this we all thought it was a passing thing, we believed I was gonna wake up one day like any normal person. Okay let me tell you how I wake up. As you know I faint all the time and usually get thrown to the ground when the shaking start, so picture this, I'd be fast asleep and start shaking in my sleep till I fall of the bed and land on the sponge they keep next to the bed, I'd keep shaking on the ground banging my head till maybe I'm even off that sponge or against a wall till I stop breathing and they start helping me till I resume breathing. I open my eyes and what do you know, it's morning and I'm already all banged and bruised.

So naturally we believed it was gonna go away one day because all my test results show and have always shown an all clear. Months went on and month after month the belief started fading and I started getting angry. I didn't wanna be touched or comforted, I was angry without ever saying  I'm angry, my faith was fading and I said to my mother "If I had done some big sin, hasn't God punished me enough?" We cried and cried till I fell asleep for a few minutes.

This anger went on for a long time, the feeling of being deserted and at some point I started doubting God's existence...................... But my family's love and patience finally made me calm down, and after a lot of soul searching I finally realized that "hey idiot you're still alive for a reason, stop whining and live your life" and that was the best decision I could have ever made because I'm not ridiculously happy but I am happy. Another thing is do you remember my beautiful stranger poem? Well he came into my life and though it took a long time but I can safely say I credit him for a lot of my progress, he gave me so much but that''s a post for another day.