Soul Dose

Today's post is different, it's not focused on my struggle with illness and journey into healing, well it is a little but today's post is mainly about love. Yes love, the one thing I've always been terrible at. Maybe it's because I've always known what I wanted, maybe it's because I avoided it because of my childhood experience, maybe I hadn't found the 'core shaking' kind of love but whatever the reason I still sucked at it. And now, I'm hopelessly in love and don't know what to do.

Here are  the details of my badly timed fall in this thing called love, how I've found myself smack bam in the middle of this thing I know is doomed to fail if it ever starts.... Alright, let me stop beating about the bush and get to the point before I freak out and delete this post.

The year was 1998, I was 14 years old and doing Grade 9. I had never had a boyfriend, let alone a crush and to be honest boys were still not in my head, but you can see how I looked back then from the picture (That's my sister, myself, gran and my brother)

I remember my sister was in Matric ans exams were around the corner, there was this neighbor guy of ours who happens to be extremely smart, he's a whiz in Maths and just about everything and my sister's Maths skills left a lot to be desired, so she asked the guy to help her during the holidays before she had to go back to boarding school. Being the greatest that he was he came and tutored her............................................... Before that day I can honestly say I had never seen the guy, he was a neighbor but hadn't been hanging out with kids like us.

That day I looked up, saw this guy and butterflies started flying around in my stomach, ladybugs, and every flying thing was in there I tell you. My mouth went all dry and this crush hit me out of nowhere, it developed that day and I knew it was stupid because the guy was about 7 years older than me and would've never been interested in a kid like me. But  I'm  sure everyone who has had a crush know how they work, you see the person and you fantasize and dream you afternoons away, that's what I did and oh, the guy I'm talking  about is so gorgeous, he is simply beautiful and I hope he doesn't kill me but here's a little glimpse at him before I go on.

That's Mr Man, can you really blame a then 14 year old girl for wanting some of that? The man is hot.

Anywhozer, the crush intensified and to avoid it I avoided him, but that didn't last. Soon we became friends and time went on we became best friends...... We both had relationships with other people and had this friendship with each other. Though everyone else who knew us didn't buy the whole "We're Just Friends" thing but truly we were and somewhere between going to school and having my first serious boyfriend my crush disappeared and it was a relief.

Sometimes things got weird between us because we had this sexual tension that wouldn't go away, but were both unsure how to proceed, there were moments of nearly kissing but something would make us stop. And frankly we were just scared, yes embarrassing is it sounds it's true.. We loved each other though, so much that he was my number one and I was his, you know those unspoken things that are shown in subtle gestures..................... My Matric Dance was approaching and it was assumed my boyfriend was gonna be my partner, except I didn't have a boyfriend at the time and didn't wanna share that information.

So my gran (knowing Mr Man and I were the closest people since Romeo And Juliet) asked him to be my partner but she forgot too tell me about it. Mr Man said he'd love to and she forgot to pass on that message as well, I blame her old  age here. As you know I went to an All Girl Boarding School Inanda Seminary and our partners would come from outside, the only time the school allowed boys in.................. The day came, I was dateless and so I went to my sister's Residential Room at Varsity trying to escape but she convinced me to attend my dance. I confessed I had no date and she said go I'll find you a date and send him to meet you in school. Varsity was closing for the holidays and almost everyone had gone home, so my soldier sister went knocking on any room trying to find an available guy to come save me from Dateless Humiliation.

Ha ha ha I remember seeing  the guy at a taxi rank while waiting in line with my friends, and I could have never guessed he was my date. We got to school and had to walk down this long avenue. When we reached the gate this guy walks to me and says in the slowest voice " Surprise Surprise I'm your date".. Needless to say my Mr Man wasn't my date, I didn't even know he had been asked but it created some tension between us for a little while.... Wee both knew he should have been y date, we also knew that we could have  finally gotten together but what was done was done.

The following year I found myself studying in the same University as my friend Mr Man, we got even closer and when I was robbed at gun point carrying his cellphone and the robbers taking my money and his expensive phone  I spent a few weeks running and hiding from him, till one day he found me and said "Walk With Me". I was so scared but we sat on the ground in school and he said "A phone I can replace, but I only have one you", No one had ever said something like that to me, no one.

And then I got sick when I was doing my Second Year, when that happened he was already working at Cape Town and it's very far.

What I'll Write From This Point On Is Taken From Messages Inn My Phone, Writings On My Now Destroyed Diary, My Trusted Family, My Friends, My Computer And Him.

When I got sick he was in Cape Town and when I realized the sickness was serious and not passing I picked up my phone and told him something wasn't right. I already couldn't speak at the time so he called my mother and she told me, he then put airtime in my phone so we could exchange phone messages, we did this for weeks, daily chatting and him saying the perfect things.

On December holidays he came back and came to see me,that was the first time I really cried, he held me and I  cried for over an hour just. Before he arrived I was scared he was gonna change because of how I was, I feared he was gonna judge me like the most people were judging me at the time and are still judging, I feared he was gonna take one look at me, see the fainting and the vomiting and the falling off the bed and everything else and he was gonna make an excuse and leave but instead he sat next to me, picked me up and held me as I cried, he wiped me when I foamed in my mouth, he asked what to do when I fainted and he did it, he brought me an Usher Cd because he knew how obsessed I am with him and we spent hours together. Those whole holidays were spent in my room next to me, talking, making silly jokes, teasing me in our own cool way and was there, always there.

One day my brother moved me to the veranda and mom stayed with me so she could call him when the shaking started. We sat and did that routine for a few hours, then my brother disappeared for a while and little old me shook and the thing they used to tie me to thee chair snapped and I went flying to the floor. My mother managed to help me breathe again but she couldn't lift me back to my chair. I gave her my hand, she placed my phone on it and I called my Mr Man. He was kilometers away in Durban but rushed back to pick me up, he got to me, picked me up, carried me to my room and that day our feelings were revived, but I was too sick and he was too scared of what people would think of him.

It's been over 6 years now and he has been by my side every step of the way, he goes above and beyond to make sure I'm happy and when he's around and not working we have so much fun laughing like crazy people..... This man has never judged me, he has never looked at me differently and he believes I'll pull through this. He treats me like a woman, a queen even and he sees the soul within, he's the only one who can touch it and I'm in love with him but it's not that simple.

He has his fears and concerns, I have my fears and concerns........................... First can a relationship survive with one person off working in Johannesburg and the other sick in bed? He also fears my family will say he's taking advantage of me, the world will judge us. A relationship I'm part of will be challenging, it would not include intimacy and that's not fair on him... But with all those fears the truth still remains, he's my Mr Man and part of me wants to take a chance.