Soul Dose

Blog

« Back to Blog « Older Entry | Newer Entry »

A Dream... Reality Never

Posted at 05:58 PM on December 14, 2009

When I got sick a lot changed and dreams were stolen, some were changed and some were still made available to me but getting them is one of those torments that I face everyday, when you want things but you know those are just wishes, you're dreaming with your eyes open and sadly your heart is just as open.......... Some of my dreams is having a baby.

For as long as I can remember I've known I wanna be a mother someday, I've had dreams of having 3 kids or even 4 kids that were gonna be knock outs. Yeah in my dreams I have the most beautiful bunch you've ever seen and they're hyper like their mother and they're cute and sweet.

Going back to being serious, motherhood is my dream and now I realize that dream might never come true. No, I know that dream will never come true and as much as I believe in accepting things the way they are this is the one thing I'm battling with.

I'm turning 26 next year February 4 and I've been sick since age 20 or 19 depending on how you look at it... When I was younger I told myself I was gonna have my first child when I was 24, so I made sure I didn't risk pregnancy before that. It was easy to avoid pregnancy because I was single most of the time, I was bad at relationships, my relationships were short (Maybe because my heart already belonged to Mr Man, so I compared every guy to him and they didn't match up). The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year but only because I was in boarding school most of the time doing my Matric.

He guy was older than me so when he started talking baby talk without mentioning marriage I thought "Oh no no no, he's not gonna use me as some baby oven and then toss me, hell no" so I ended things. Come to think of it, the only time he ever said I love you was when he was asking me out. Ag enough about that pathetic part of my life.

As I was saying, I spent most of my time as a single girl, age 24 was my goal because I had no way of knowing this was gonna happen,I didn't know by age 24 I was gonna be bed bound and sick like this (if only we can predict the sucky parts of the future)... My motherhood dream is shattering before my eyes, I dream of the pregnancy itself, 9 months of carrying my baby and having that divine connection with him/her, of course the pleasure of making the father run up and down satisfying my every craving, the birthing classes, buying the baby clothes, preparing the room for my bundle of joy, then the delivery and temporarily hating the father for knocking me up, the feedings, ok not the diaper changing, the baby smell, rocking my baby to sleep (I wrote a poem about this)... I wanna have it all, the first word, first step, but wait we'll have the first time he/she sits by herself. What about first day of school, I want that so badly it hurts just thinking the dream is dead.

Other things are easy to accept, others are easy to tolerate but this, this is the one thing I'm finding hard to get over and when I talk to my sister about it she says so what if you never have kids? I tell her 'those words are easy for you to say because you have one and you can have another anytime you want' I don't think most mothers can understand and everyone I've told this to hasn't expect Mom Ndu and we're in the same boat.

Does anyone ever feel this way or am I just crazy? Am I crying over a small thing here?

Categories: Life, Feeling Down

13 Comments

Reply blissbait@gmail.com

03:01 PM on December 21, 2009

Hey Beautiful Silindile. You know, one of my closest friends could have written this. Not for health reasons, but just because of the way her life has flowed it doesn't look like she will live her dream of motherhood. I tell her she could adopt and she becomes sad and frustrated saying that it's the whole package, the entire experience that she longs for. Just as Your words say. I send You huge hugs and my heart. I know that's a tough one to set free.....

Much Love and Namaste.

Reply Silindile Ntuli

12:04 AM on December 17, 2009

Jaymie says...
Words fail but my heart doesn't - sending you hugs, hope, blessings, and most of all...peace.

Thank you thank you thank you lovely Jaymie, your heart just touched mine

Reply Jaymie

12:20 PM on December 16, 2009

Words fail but my heart doesn't - sending you hugs, hope, blessings, and most of all...peace.

Reply Silindile Ntuli

08:23 AM on December 16, 2009

Gail says...
Hi love-

I respect your feelings totally. And feelings are not right or wrong, they simply are. May I ask, are you saying you cannot have children because of your health or because there is no man to father your child. YOu are still young, much can change and happen while you are still of child-bearing age.
And I cannot find this "linK' you asked me to see here of my blog. Can you help direct me?

Love to you
Gail
peace......

First I'll post a link over at your place...

As for the baby problem I laughed when I read your question and I'm still laughing... The reason for my doubts is my health and my current uterus state, but then again girl I don't have a man, lol.

Reply Silindile Ntuli

08:19 AM on December 16, 2009

Mel says...
I really like how Luisa put it. We do not feel what you feel--but we do care a lot about you. Handing over dreams is a hard thing--but I'm of the belief that there's purpose and design and good in the whittling away of what we 'thought' was 'our life'. It's taken me some time to wrap my head around the fact that this life is not 'mine'.....it's a gift, it was given freely--but it's not without purpose or direction or mission. I have mine--clearly it's not what I believed 'my life' was going to be about.....clearly it's bigger than what I dreamed possible for me. But it was that painful whittling away that brought me to 'here'. HERE is a good place.....truly....... I couldn't see that in the midst of the storms and the whittling away. Some days I still look to the heavens and shake my head--giving myself the luxury of 'displeasure' in the unfolding of what's been placed in front of me. But son-of-a-gun I can't give you how many times what I convinced myself to believe was an "I don't NEED this" situation....was exactly what I needed.

I don't know what your purpose/mission/plan includes--obviously it involves touching lives....and you already are.
I don't 'feel what you feel'.
But I've struggled with handing over dreams.
And it was a struggle.

I didn't dare dream big--
It wasn't the dark, but the light that was my greatest fear.

*HUGE hugs*

Wow, wow I like how you call it handing over dreams and the part where you say life itself is a gift. It's certainly not ours because we're smart or better.

You know whenever I think of you and then look at my situation I find comfort in the belief that your belief brought you over, and I believe that a little more and I find myself smiling.
This is definitely not what I wanted or picture for myself, it's not even my second choice or third right up to a hundred, but there's a purpose for it and the guy upstairs knows what. I just hope the plan includes poop and screaming.
Thanks honey!

Reply Silindile Ntuli

08:09 AM on December 16, 2009

Luisa Doraz says...
Hey, where is my picture? On image allowed here on my comments! Toooo ugly? LOL

Ha ha ha I don't know but I don't think you can add a picture. I'll check. I don't think it was too ugly, unless you posted a picture of poop, ha ha ha.

Reply Silindile Ntuli

08:07 AM on December 16, 2009

Luisa Doraz says...
You speak from your heart. Your love has been heard. None of us knows what the future holds. I believe in taking my path in this world...one day at a time. It ain't over until it's over...and then it still is not really over. We live. That is my belief. One of them, at least. We do not feel what you feel, but we do care about you. Take it one day at a time. There are endless possibilities that way. Don't try getting out of changing those diapers...just yet! LOL Poop is Poop!

Ha ha ha poop is certainly poop ha ha ha.
I still have a little belief that my uterus can be saved, a small part of me believes and I promise I'll leave it all to the Man upstairs. We are homies after all.

Reply Silindile Ntuli

08:01 AM on December 16, 2009

Lianna says...
In some small way, I understand your sadness. I had four miscarriages before Gabriel finally came along. I have had two miscarriages after Gabriel turned 2 years old. We've stopped trying and we're focusing on Gabriel. (Which is not always a good thing...)

Anyway, I remember vividly how the anger began swelling for me. Friends were effortlessly becoming pregnant, having babies, buying houses, managing careers. It seemed that I would never experience "having it all".

When I learned that Gabriel has Down syndrome, (I was 20 weeks pregnant -- we had worried through the first trimester only to learn that my baby was "not normal") I really felt like I was on the outside looking in on society. This is not what I expected, let alone "wanted".

Of course, life is a good teacher. I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I've grieved and I've yearned, but I accept that what I've been given is what my life can hold.

I feel for you because I understand your yearning -- it's true and valid and it hurts. But don't close yourself off to all possibilities that life can and will bring to you.

Ah no no no that's tough, I can't imagine how hard multiple miscarriages were I just can't. I love you attitude and how open you are about it.
When I read your posts I don't see the why me's, I just see a mother who is insanely in love with her family and is taking it one day at a time.

Thank you, you've helped more than you can imagine.

Reply Gail

11:49 AM on December 15, 2009

Hi love-

I respect your feelings totally. And feelings are not right or wrong, they simply are. May I ask, are you saying you cannot have children because of your health or because there is no man to father your child. YOu are still young, much can change and happen while you are still of child-bearing age.
And I cannot find this "linK' you asked me to see here of my blog. Can you help direct me?

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Reply Mel

08:02 AM on December 15, 2009

I really like how Luisa put it. We do not feel what you feel--but we do care a lot about you. Handing over dreams is a hard thing--but I'm of the belief that there's purpose and design and good in the whittling away of what we 'thought' was 'our life'. It's taken me some time to wrap my head around the fact that this life is not 'mine'.....it's a gift, it was given freely--but it's not without purpose or direction or mission. I have mine--clearly it's not what I believed 'my life' was going to be about.....clearly it's bigger than what I dreamed possible for me. But it was that painful whittling away that brought me to 'here'. HERE is a good place.....truly....... I couldn't see that in the midst of the storms and the whittling away. Some days I still look to the heavens and shake my head--giving myself the luxury of 'displeasure' in the unfolding of what's been placed in front of me. But son-of-a-gun I can't give you how many times what I convinced myself to believe was an "I don't NEED this" situation....was exactly what I needed.

I don't know what your purpose/mission/plan includes--obviously it involves touching lives....and you already are.
I don't 'feel what you feel'.
But I've struggled with handing over dreams.
And it was a struggle.

I didn't dare dream big--
It wasn't the dark, but the light that was my greatest fear.

*HUGE hugs*

Reply Luisa Doraz

12:27 AM on December 15, 2009

Hey, where is my picture? On image allowed here on my comments! Toooo ugly? LOL

Reply Luisa Doraz

12:26 AM on December 15, 2009

You speak from your heart. Your love has been heard. None of us knows what the future holds. I believe in taking my path in this world...one day at a time. It ain't over until it's over...and then it still is not really over. We live. That is my belief. One of them, at least. We do not feel what you feel, but we do care about you. Take it one day at a time. There are endless possibilities that way.

Don't try getting out of changing those diapers...just yet! LOL

Poop is Poop!

Reply Lianna

06:29 PM on December 14, 2009

In some small way, I understand your sadness. I had four miscarriages before Gabriel finally came along. I have had two miscarriages after Gabriel turned 2 years old. We've stopped trying and we're focusing on Gabriel. (Which is not always a good thing...)

Anyway, I remember vividly how the anger began swelling for me. Friends were effortlessly becoming pregnant, having babies, buying houses, managing careers. It seemed that I would never experience "having it all".

When I learned that Gabriel has Down syndrome, (I was 20 weeks pregnant -- we had worried through the first trimester only to learn that my baby was "not normal") I really felt like I was on the outside looking in on society. This is not what I expected, let alone "wanted".

Of course, life is a good teacher. I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I've grieved and I've yearned, but I accept that what I've been given is what my life can hold.

I feel for you because I understand your yearning -- it's true and valid and it hurts. But don't close yourself off to all possibilities that life can and will bring to you.